| Episode
5:
Scene 1: Reggie has been
invited back onto the consumer affairs programme Pillock Talk. Colin Pillock
asks
him about his community project, and Reggie answers his questions with
a one-word answer: yes. Mr. Pillock changes tack and asks him a question
he can't answer with a yes or no, by asking him what sort of people come
to Perrins. Reggie spends the next few minutes answering the question,
with Colin Pillock not being able to get a word in. When he has finished,
Colin is lost for words, and decides to move on to the next item. |
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|
| Link:
Reggie opens the hatch in the kitchen wall to ask McBlane if he saw him
on television last night. The chef swears at him in Glaswegian, then continues
attacking a large lettuce on the kitchen table. |
|
| Scene 2: The television
interview has resulted in twenty-two more guests, and Reggie is in his
office next morning interviewing some of them. First, a self-confessed
yobbo, Glenn Higgins, shows himself in and puts his feet on Reggie's desk.
He tells Reggie he is moving in the wrong circles, and has come to Perrins
to find a better class of people and sophistication. Next Elton Johnson,
a black schoolteacher, enters, who can't get himself sacked because of
his colour. Then, a man called Clive Anstruther enters, and Reggie realises
he is Jimmy's ex-partner who ran off with all the takings of their secret
army. He has come to turn over a new leaf. Finally, an attractive lady
in a fur coat glides in. Her name is Deborah Swaffham. |
 . .
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| Scene 3: In the local pub,
Reggie has taken Jimmy for a drink, and to meet Clive 'Lofty' Anstruther.
He eventually gets the two enemies talking again, and Jimmy forgives him
for being a 'rotten swine'. Reggie tells Jimmy that the community has passed
its greatest test. |
|
| Scene 4: There is a staff
meeting in the living room. Jimmy suggests a campaign for eradicating the
local crime wave - the Perrins Peace-keeping Force. At first he suggests
meeting violence with violence using large wooden clubs, but Reggie talks
him out of it. Reggie decides the whole month should be 'anti-self- consciousness
month', with everyone doing ridiculous things and not feeling ashamed about
it. Tom suggests solo tennis, and C.J. suggests travelling on trains as
commuters but holding ridiculous conversations, such as ending words with
'ergle'. |
|
| Link:
Reggie, C.J., Elton Johnson, Deborah Swaffham and Glenn Higgins try out
the 'ergle' idea on a train. The commuters who are seated get up and leave
for another compartment, giving Reggie and co. a chance to sit down.
In the park, local thugs are pulling up and treading on all the flowers
in the flower beds. Jimmy, Reggie, Doc and a few guests chase them away.
Jimmy goes after them with a knife raised in his hands, but Reggie stops
him. |
 .
|
| Scene 5: David Harris-Jones
is in the living room, conducting a game of sexual 'Just A Minute'. Mr.
Johnston is buzzed after fourteen seconds for repetition, A. B. Muelling,
the shy vet, is buzzed after two seconds for hesitation, Deborah Swaffham,
the femme fatale, is buzzed straight away for deviation and Glenn
Higgins and Superintendent Potts last for the whole minute. Mr. Potts opens
his wallet to show Reggie a picture of his wife, and notices fifteen pounds
is missing, and the shy vet whispers that he has also lost fifteen pounds. |
 . .
 . .
|
| Scene 6: All guests and
staff are being briefed by a serious Reggie regarding the thefts. Six thefts
have now been reported and Reggie encourages the culprit to come forward.
Next day, even more thefts have been committed and Reggie emphasises faith
and trust within the community, suggesting everyone to leave all their
valuables and money lying around. Next day, Reggie reports that everyone's
valuables have been stolen, and asks the guests to 'help nail the sod'. |
|
| Scene 7: A sad Reggie and
Elizabeth are in the office, reading through a pile of letters from guests
who have left Perrins because of the thefts. Elizabeth reads one from Clive
Anstruther, admitting to the thefts. They decide to not let it get to them. |
|
| Scene 8: Tony Webster and
Deborah Swaffham are sitting on the garden swing-seat, reading Shakespeare's
Cleopatra. Deborah asks how the Queen of the Nile would have kissed, and
Tony invites her to demonstrate on him how she thinks she would have done
it. Afterwards, he invites him up to her room at supper time. |
|
| Link: Tony knocks on the
door of Deborah Swaffham's room, then enters. There is no one there. |
|
| Scene 9: Staff and guests
are leaving the pitch after a game of Tom's non-aggressive football. Deborah
Swaffham pretends to slip, and falls into Tom's arms. She invites him up
to her room. |
|
| Link: Tom knocks on the
door of Deborah Swaffham's room, then enters. There is no one there. |
|
| Scene 10: The staff of Perrins
are assembled in Reggie's office. He is trying
to ascertain why morale is so low. C.J., Doc, Tony and Tom all say
get rid of Deborah Swaffham. Reggie first asks C.J. his reason for saying
this. C.J. tells him that they had a role-playing session of 'mothers and
fathers' and both got undressed. C.J. forgot himself, was hit by Deborah
Swaffham, and they dressed in angry silence. Next, Doc Morrissey relates
how he thought a patient-patient situation would be more psychologically
beneficial than an analyst-patient one, and had climbed onto the couch
with her. He also forgot himself. She hit him and he fell off the couch.
Tony and Tom tell how they went to her room at her invitation, although
nothing happened. Reggie is amazed, and suggests renaming Perrins 'Sodom
and Gomorrah'. Linda starts to scold Tom, Joan starts to scold Tony, and
Reggie bangs his gavel loudly on his desk, demanding order. The gavel breaks.
Elizabeth scolds everybody for being so stupid, and suggests David should
speak to Deborah Swaffham, as he's the sex therapist. |
 . .
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| Scene 11: In the living
room, David is alone with Deborah Swaffham. She is crying crocodile tears,
pretending to have been frightened by all the men she has lured to her
room. She sets about seducing David and invites him to her room. |
|
| Link: David knocks on the
door of Deborah Swaffham's bedroom, then enters. There is no one there.
As he leaves the room he meets his wife Prue on the landing. Neither know
what to say to each other, but it is clear that their time of married bliss
is over. |
 .
|
| Scene 12: Later, Reggie
knocks on the door of Deborah's bedroom, and enters. She is waiting behind
the door for him. When he is inside, she closes the door, and locks them
both in the room. She drops the key into her cleavage, and invites him
to come and get it. She claims it is really Reggie she has wanted to seduce,
as he is the one with the real power. Reggie is having none of it, and
climbs out of the window. It is something he has done before, but this
time the drainpipe is not securely fastened to the wall. Like a tree that
has been felled, Reggie topples past the window and onto the lawn. |
 . .
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| Scene 13: In the living
room, Reggie is being examined by Doc Morrissey, but is in such pain that
Reggie reckons he needs a proper doctor. Doc Morrissey agrees, and goes
off to call one. Reggie tells Elizabeth that everything is going wrong,
but Elizabeth reassures him by saying things couldn't get worse. There
is a knock at the door, and Clive 'Lofty' Anstruther enters. He has lost
all the money he stole on a dud horse, and has even pawned Jimmy's medals.
He has come back for treatment. Reggie calls him a bastard. |
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