Series Two, Episode One:

Reggie is now calling himself Martin Wellbourne and is back working at Sunshine Desserts heading the Reginald Perrin Memorial Foundation - a project to ensure all employees are kept happy and motivated. He has issued a questionnaire to everyone asking what they like and dislike about the firm. Reggie is in the office of a happy, smiling C.J. briefing him on the results. There is a picture of Ken Dodd on the wall behind C.J. 

C.J.:
(Reggie has knocked on his office door) (Happily) Come in! Ah, Martin. Sit down. 

Martin:
Thank you, C.J. (Reggie goes to sit on the farting chairs but fetches a smaller metal chair instead).

Martin:
I have something to tell you, C.... 

C.J.:
Work going well? Keeping everybody's pecker up? 

Martin:
Yes, C.J. C.J., I'm afraid productivity... 

C.J.:
How's the lunchtime folk club going? 

Martin:
Oh very well, C.J. Parker from Flans is singing today. 

C.J.:
That man could become a second Dylan Thomas. 

Martin:
Yes, C.J. The thing is, C.J., produc... 

C.J.:
Martin, new pictures! Indicative of happiness. I met the firm's ex-doctor on Saturday. Chap called Morrissey. Sound man, salt of the earth, first class brain. I sacked him once. 

C.J.:
I'm giving him his job back. I realise now the importance of loyalty and happiness. (He thumps his desk) LOYALTY AND HAPPINESS, Wellbourne!!! (A low flying aircraft thunders overhead. C.J. says something inaudible because of the noise).

Martin:
I'm sorry, C.J. What was that? 

C.J.:
I said we seem to be on the flightpath again today. 

Martin:
Yes. Probably the Grenoble Philatelic Society en route for Bourn & Hollingsworth's. 

C.J.:
Never mind all that. What is it you want, Martin? 

Martin:
Well, C.J. Productivity... 

C.J.:
Spit it out. 

Martin:
Productivity... 

Martin:
Prod... 

C.J.:
Proliferation is the thief of time. 

Martin:
Prod... Productivity is down 1.2% and absenteeism due to sickness is up 3.1%. 

C.J.:
I see. 

Martin:
I've analysed all the questionnaires C.J., and there's a lot of things about the firm a lot of people like a lot. 

C.J.:
Good. Splendid. Tickety-boo. 

Martin:
As you so rightly say, C.J., 'Good. Splendid...' 

C.J.:
'...Tickety...' 

Martin:
'-boo.' But there are a few things... 

C.J.:
Ah! 

C.J.:
What 'little things'? 

Martin:
Oh, just little things, C.J.: the furniture, the office, the factory, the product... and, erm... and... 

C.J.:
And???? 

Martin:
And you, C.J. They just don't like you. 

C.J.:
I see. (He looks at his Ken Dodd photo). Mere bagatelles, Wellbourne! We mustn't let short-term setbacks obscure the long- term view. Neither Mrs. C.J. nor I have ever let short-term setbacks obscure the long-term view. 

Martin:
I imagine not, C.J. 

C.J.:
Results will come. Carry on with the good work. (Reggie heads for the door). Don't forget! In a sense, you are keeping Reggie Perrin alive. (Reggie says nothing, and leaves).

Series Two, Episode One:

Martin has revealed his true identity to Elizabeth (although she already knew), but still has to don wig and beard to 
play Martin Wellbourne at Sunshine Desserts. The newly re-recruited Doc Morrissey has a visit from Martin. 

Doc:
(Martin knocks on the surgery door) Come in? 

Martin:
Hello, Doc. 

Doc:
Hello. Sit down. 

Martin:
Thank you. Nice to see you again, Doc. 

Martin:
Er, no. I mean, er, nice to see you, and to know that you're here again. Of course I haven't seen you before. Seen you before? Ha, pull the other one. 

Doc:
And your name is? 

Martin:
Martin Wellbourne. 

Doc:
Oh, well take your clothes off and put them over there on top of mine. 

Martin:
Right. What?!! 

Doc:
It's just a little joke, to put the patients at their ease. I've been polishing up on psychology. While I've been on the dole. 
(He stands and points a small torch towards Martin). Say 'aaah'. You run this Reginald Perrin Memorial whatsit, don't you? 

Doc:
And again. Going well, is it? 

Martin:
Well, I don't think... aaah ... people want to be happy, really. 

Doc:
That's fine. Shirt up. (Reggie lifts his shirt as Doc prepares his stethoscope).How many people - say '99' - are you dealing with? 

Martin:
Oh about two hundred... 99 ...and six. 

Doc:
Oh, quite a task. (He indicates to Reggie to turn round). I'd have thought it against human nature - deep breath - to be happy at work. 

Doc:
What? Go behind the screen (Reggie does so). No, take this. (Doc hands him a specimen bottle, then sits down).

Martin:
Oh I see. 

Doc:
Oh yes, happiness is all very well for the Latin races - doesn't suit the British temperament at all. It's like going behind that screen. I know what you're doing. You know what you're doing. You know that I know what you're doing. It's perfectly natural, normal, completely inoffensive. We all do it - you, me, Dennis Compton. Even 'Wedgwood' Benn. And yet we go behind a screen. Not like the so-called 'Latin' races, standing in their lay-bys. Besides, it's much easier behind a screen. 

Doc:
Still the same old Reggie! 

Martin:
What?!!! 

Doc:
You're Reginald Perrin! 

Martin:
No, no, no. 

Doc:
(Gets up) I'm going to have to tell C.J. Let him know I'm a force to be reckoned with. (Martin panics and dashes behind the screen with the specimen bottle again).

Series Two, Episode One:

Doc Morrissey has realised that Martin Wellbourne is really Reggie, and has told C.J. Both men are in their boss's office. 

C.J.:
Sit down Perrin. 

Reggie:
Thank you, C.J.(He sits on the silent metal chair).

C.J.:
Sit down Doc. 

C.J.:
Always knew you were a good man, Doc. Unlike you, Reggie. This is a disgrace. 

Reggie:
Absolutely, C.J. 

C.J.:
Pretending to be dead, and then posing as your long lost friend from Colombia. How did you think anyone would fall 
for a trick like that? 

Reggie:
Absurd! 

C.J.:
I gave you a job running your own Memorial Fund! How'd you hope to get away with it? 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today posing as my long lost friend from The Argentine. 

Reggie:
I realise that, C.J. 

C.J.:
I could come in here wearing a dress and pretend to be Kathy Kirby. But I don't! That's not the British way. 

Reggie:
It certainly isn't, C.J. 

C.J.:
You must have picked up some funny ideas out there in Peru. 

Reggie:
Well I wasn't actually out there in Peru, if you remember C.J., I'm not Martin Wellbourne.

C.J.:
I know that! I'm not a complete nincompoop. Or am I? Doc?!!! 

C.J.:
What was that, Doc? 

Doc:
I said we seem to be on the flightpath again today 

Reggie:
Hmmm. Wealthy matrons from the Hamburg Women’s Institute heading for the outsize department at D.H. Evans, perhaps.

C.J.:
All this nonsense about making the employees happy is nonsense. Would it surprise you to learn, Perrin, that absenteeism is up 3.1%?

Reggie:
Not particularly C.J., it was me who told you.

Reggie:
Thank you, C.J.

C.J.:
I'd practically destroy this firm if I started caring about people. I didn't get where I am today caring about people. I re-employed this medical idiot. Morrissey, you're sacked!

Reggie:
But it was Doc Morrissey who revealed to you who I am.

C.J.:
Thus proving he's an idiot. You're both sacked!

Doc:
It does seem rather unfair.

C.J.:
Oh, it is unfair. Life is unfair. I am unfair. You're both sacked!!!!

Series Two, Episode Two:

Sacked from Sunshine Desserts, and with no money coming in to the Perrin household, Reggie decides to visit the local labour exchange to see what they can offer him. He has planned everything he is going to say, but the clerk just wants to fill in his application form for him.

(RP: Reginald Perrin  LC: Labour exchange clerk)

LC: Name?

RP: Perrin. I’ve spent most of my life in middle management, but in the last twenty years I’ve been…

LC: Christian name?

RP: Reginald Iolanthe. …I’ve been with Sunshine Desserts, the instant puddings people. Now I’m looking for something a little…

LC: Address?

RP: 12, Coleridge Close. …looking for something a little more fulfilling and stimulating…

LC: Age?

RP: Er…yes.something a little more vibrant and exciting.

RP: Oh yes, as to age… I’m, er…not quite, er… approximately, er…forty seven. …I want a Monday to Friday job, and if a company car was thrown in, that would of course be very nice.

LC: Qualifications?

RP: I was thinking in terms of something local. I don’t want to commute anymore.

LC: Qualifications!?

RP: The, er…Nottley Park Court under- sixteen prize for woodwork. A First Aid certificate from the scouts – that’s the West Ealing branch. …when I say ‘vibrant and exciting’, it doesn’t have to be all that vibrant and exciting.

RP: Er…I was, er… oooh… sacked. …when I say ‘I don’t want to commute’, I am prepared to travel a small distance, of course.

LC: Why were you sacked?

RP: Well, I…sort of…staged a fake suicide and, er…, came back as my long lost friend from… …the company car isn’t absolutely essential and I am prepared to work weekends.

LC: What other jobs have you done?

LC: Well I’m afraid I.C.I. haven’t been on the blower just lately…

RP: …thirty miles, forty miles. As long as it isn’t abroad – well, not very far abroad.

LC: …and the Managing Director’s job at ShellMex was snapped up rather quickly.

RP: If anything crops up in Australia, I am prepared to consider it. Mr. Pelham is the owner of the pig farm. I’ll be back this afternoon, 2.30. You can get him on Climthorpe 7532. I can just get the 11.15 train, excuse me.

Series Two, Episode Two:

Piggery owner Mr. Pelham has found out that Donald Potts is in fact Reginald Perrin and decides to sack him.
 

MP: Come into the office a minute will you, old son? Sit down. Oh, sweep those old copies of ‘VAT News’ onto the floor. You seem to have rubbed your auntie up the wrong way?

RP: What auntie’s that, Mr. P?

RP: Oh, that auntie, yeah.

MP: Yeah, that auntie. She appears to have given you two black eyes.

RP: Yeah, it’s a bit sad about ‘er, really. She’s going a bit ‘doolally’. She’s convinced she’s Joe Bugnor.

MP: When did Joe Bugnor ever give anyone two black eyes? Now listen, I’ve heard a thing or two about you. Your full name is Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, you worked at Sunshine Desserts, you left your clothes on the beach, came back in disguise and married your wife again!

RP: Well, yeah.

MP: Is that all you’re going to say, “Well, yeah”?

MP: Look, you’re from middle management! All this “well, yeah”, “chief”, guv’nor”, “squire” gubbins you come out with, it’s a load of old cobblers.

RP: Yes, I’m afraid it is a load of old cobblers. I’m afraid there is a germ of truth in what you say, Mr. Pelham.

MP: You’ve taken me for a ride.

RP: Again, protestations would be to no avail. I thought if I told you the truth you wouldn’t employ me.

MP: I don’t like being taken for a ride. You’re sacked.

RP: Thank you, Mr. Pelham.

RP: Thank you, Mr. Pelham. I’m sorry.

MP: The pigs liked you too, that’s the worst thing. Porkers that were ailing became healthy again at your touch.

RP: I was the Florence Nightingale of the swill, Mr. Pelham.

MP: Too right, Reg, too right. (pause) The wife’s dead, Reg.

RP: I’m sorry.

MP: Yes. She stepped in front of a bus seven years ago. She’d only gone to Macfisheries to get some Finnan haddock. I said we should’ve had pork. And the boy’s a lout.If I had my way he’d be in that sty, and my pigs would be in the Gravel Pit Lane Secondary Modern.

MP: I don’t make friends easily, but I liked you, Reg.

RP: I liked you too, Mr. Pelham.

MP: But I don’t like being deceived, that’s all. I have my pride. (Reggie turns to leave) Oh, Reg?

RP: Yes, Mr. Pelham?

MP: You can say goodbye to the pigs if you want to.

RP: Oh, I’d rather not, Mr. Pelham. It might break my heart.

MP: Bye bye, Reg.

RP: TTFN, Guv.

Series Two, Episode Two:

Elizabeth is working at Sunshine Desserts while Reggie is jobless. After an aborted affair with C.J., and after Reggie mistakenly accuses her of an affair with Tony Webster (both men end up with black eyes after a fight), she decides enough is enough and gets herself sacked by typing a letter wrongly. Elizabeth, Tony and David (her boss) are in C.J.'s office to discuss the matter with him. 

C.J.:
(Enters his office. Tony and David are already there). Tony?! You've got two black eyes! 

Tony:
I know, C.J. 

C.J.:
Careful, Tony. I didn't get where I am today by having two black eyes. (He presses his intercom). Marion? Let's have her in. 

David:
Super! 

C.J.:
It's not 'great' or 'super'. It's very sad. 

Tony and David:
Sorry, C.J. 

C.J.:
(There is a knock at the door) Come! Right, thank you, Elizabeth. Sit down. Now then. David! Did you dictate a letter to Elizabeth last week on the subject of soggy sponges? 

David:
I did, C.J. Sorry, Elizabeth. 

C.J.:
There's no need to be sorry. 

David:
Sorry, C.J. 

C.J.:
Well, what did you say in your letter? 

Tony:
Great letter, David. Your best yet. 

David:
Thank you, Tony. 

C.J.:
Now. Will you read out what Elizabeth actually typed out, signed and sent? 

David:
Yes. Sorry Elizabeth. Sorry C.J. "Dear Sir, Thank you for your complaint about our soggy sponges. It makes the eleventh this week. The explanation is simple: frankly, our sponges are soggy. The fault lies in your customers for buying overpriced, oversweetened, unhealthy, synthetic rubbish."

Elizabeth:
Yes.

C.J.:
Why?

Elizabeth:
It's the truth.

C.J.:
We wouldn't last a week if we told the truth. I didn't get where I am today by telling the truth.

Elizabeth:
I'm sure you didn't, C.J.

C.J.:
Alright Tony. Alright, David. I'll deal with this. You've both handled this very well.

Tony:
Great!

David:
Super!

Both:
Sorry, C.J. (They hurriedly leave).

Elizabeth:
I'm sorry, 'Bunny'.

C.J.:
You mustn't call me 'Bunny' here!

C.J.:
What's de riguerre in Godalming could be hors d'oeuvre in Head Office.

Elizabeth:
Quite right, 'Bunny', erm, C.J.

C.J.: I enjoyed your visit to Godalming, Elizabeth. Sitting there, quietly, peacefully, watching you sorting papers. And thenI heard this morning that Mrs. C.J. had broken her leg in Luxembourg. I nearly cried with joy. Well, that may sound heartless, but it's not a serious fracture, and the Upper Moselle is renowned for its beauty and variety. I foresaw a summer of Saturdays sorting papers, and then you do this. You're a beautiful woman, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
Thank you, C.J.

C.J.:
You're a charming woman, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
Thank you, C.J.

C.J.:
You're sacked, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
Thank you, C.J.

Series Two, Episode Three:

In Jimmy's bedsit, he shows Reggie his accumulating stockpile of weapons for his private army, invites Reggie to join him, and tells him exactly the sort of scum they would be fighting against. 

Jimmy:
Do you think so? I thought recruitment might be difficult. 
 

Watch video

Series Two, Episode Three:

Reggie has decided to open a shop called Grot, selling rubbish at grossly inflated prices. The first customer enters looking for something for his sister-in-law. He spots Tom's wine on the counter. 

Reggie:
(The man enters). Morning! 

Man:
Everything in this shop is rubbish, is it? 

Man:
I see. What's the point of that, then? 

Reggie:
Well,  we're sold so much rubbish these days under false pretences, I decided to be honest about it. 

Man:
Ah, you've got a point there. There you have got a point. 

Reggie:
Thank you, sir. 

Man:
Er, this wine. Useless is it? 

Reggie:
Absolutely revolting! 

Reggie:
Oh yes, and you don't like her? 

Man:
Can't stand the sight of her! 

Reggie:
Does she like wine? 

Man:
Oh yes. She fancies herself something rotten with the old vino. 

Reggie:
Right! Well I think she'll find the nettle at £1.25 mildly unpleasant. But, if you can go for something a little worse, then the turnip at £1.40 is pretty awful. But, if you can run to the sprout, at £1.75, ooph, horrific! 

Reggie:
Yes, but it is nauseating. I do promise. 

Man:
So the more a thing costs, the worse it is? 

Reggie:
Exactly! 

Man:
And that's really revolting is it? 

Reggie:
(He uncorks the bottle) Have you ever tasted weasel spit strained through a mouldy balaclava helmet? 

Reggie:
And that's just the bouquet! 

Man:
You've talked me into it! 

Reggie:
Very good, sir. A wise decision. That's £1.75, sir. Thank you very much indeed, much obliged. (He opens the till and gives the man his change). And 25p change. Now, if by any chance she likes it, I will of course refund the money. Haha. 

Man:
Odd shop, isn't it? 

Reggie:
Extremely!!!! (The man leaves).

Series Two, Episode Four:

Reggie's rubbish empire Grot continues to grow. A planning meeting is held to discuss some new product lines. Present are David Harris-Jones, Esther Pigeon from a market research company and Morris Coates from an advertising agency. 

Reggie:
(Entering the office. The three are seated around a coffee table laden with new products. David and Reggie earlier had a glass of champagne to celebrate the success of Grot, and David is still feeling its effects). Ah, good, good. I think we all know each other: Esther Pigeon - research, Morris Coates - advertising, David Harris-Jones (he hiccups) - hiccupping. Now, we've got a press release haven't we David? (David hands Reggie the paper). Thank you very much.

Morris:
Good thinking. Like it. 

David:
Super! 

Esther:
Smashing. 

Morris:
With you. 

Reggie:
Jolly good. Now we have a sales campaign for a new innocuous white pill. Your findings, Esther? 

Esther:
32% of people over 55 in the Wirral, & 2.1% of the people under 43 in the Gorbals liked the idea. 23% of those under 35 in the Wirral & 7.6% of those over 52 in the Gorbals thought it possible. 23.6% found it difficult to swallow. 26.9% of the replies in the Gorbals were rejected by the computer which suffered two fuse blowouts. 

Reggie:
Yes, well that's fine. Splendid. Jolly good. 

David:
I'm sorry... I might be a bit slow on the uptake... 

Reggie:
Yes? 

David:
...But why should anyone buy a pill that doesn't do anything? 

Morris:
Ah, well, how about, off the top of the head, toss it in the seed tray, see if the budgie bites: how about 'Perrins Pills - They don't look good, they don't taste good, they don't do you any good." 

Reggie:
Yes, that's not bad. Now then, (turns to Esther), about those insoluble suppositories. They still going up well, are they? 

Esther:
9.8% of the 32% of the over-55s in the Wirral, and 36% of the 2.1% in the Gorbals who liked the pill also liked the idea. 33.7% of those in the Gorbals told us where we could put our insoluble suppositories. 

David:
Super! 

Esther:
Smashing. 

Reggie:
Do you know, it is nice being boss. Everyone agrees with everything you say! 

All:
Absolutely, Reggie! 

Reggie:
Get out! (They leave). 

Series Two, Episode Five:

Reggie is a success with Grot, but has realised that his working life has come full circle. He is once againstuck in the rut of husband, commuter, boss, commuter, husband. He tells Elizabeth of his daily routine. 

Series Two, Episode Six:

Reggie is fed up with the success of Grot and has started to try to destroy it, by employing unsuitable people in key
roles. All are assembled in the board room for a meeting. Present are Elizabeth, C.J., David, Tony, Jimmy, Tom, Doc Morrissey and an Irish labourer called Seamus Finnegan, who turns out to be the cleverest of the lot. 

Reggie:
(Standing at the head of the table) ...In fact, it has been a wonderful year for Grot. And our new European division, 'EuroGrot', is making very promising inroads. 

C.J.:
Hear, hear. I didn't get where I am today without recognising promising inroads when I see them. 

Reggie:
Quite. We have built a European Distribution Centre in Luxembourg, and have a fleet of super-lorries. 

David:
Super! 

Tony:
Great! 

Reggie:
No no, Grot. However, despite these successes, I have heard one or two criticisms about my recent appointments. One of them, I don't know who said it, and it doesn't really matter, was: "I didn't get where I am today by having Irish labourers promoted over my head". To answer these criticisms, I'm now going to call upon my four newest appointments to give us a brief resume of their progress to date. And I think what they have to say is going to astound you. Tom! 

Tom:
(Tom stands, and Reggie sits) I have distributed among you a few campaign ideas - I'm not really a campaign person - and slogans. I won't bore you with my slogan ideas now. 

Reggie:
No no, Tom, I insist that you bore us with them now. 

Tom:
Oh. Well, there was one - I'm not really a slogan person - it went: "Go to Grot shops and get an eyeful, of Perrin's Products with a wide range of goods that are really pretty awful". (Everyone looks at each other in silence).

Reggie:
Excellent, Tom! Perfect! 

Reggie:
It almost rhymes and scans properly, that's the important thing. This is exactly what I'm paying you for. 

Tom:
Thank you. Well, I'll just give you one more, perhaps: "Grot is the ideal place for gifts, because they're all on one floor, so there aren't any lifts."(Everyone applauds and thumps the table at this one). They aren't all of that standard, of course. 

Reggie:
How could they be? Very, very good indeed.  Doc? 

Doc:
(He stands) Oh. I did have one idea: January sales. 

Reggie:
Yeees. I think we've heard something similar, Doc. 

Doc:
In September. With the prices of everything going up instead of down. 'Fantastic increases all round'. Thought that might be new? 

Reggie:
Very good! Excellent idea. Seamus? 

Seamus:
(He stands) Thank you, sir. I've proceeded quite slowly... 

Reggie:
Heh-heh. Yes! 

C.J.:
(He shifts uneasily in his seat) Nonsense! 

Seamus:
I have discovered a startling disimprovement in organisation. Or should I say an improvement in disorganisation: Use of office and storage space, the management- worker manpower relativity curve, the production and distribution lines, inter-departmental juxta-responsibilities, and the financial situation, all leave scope for improvement. 

Reggie:
(Thinks) 'Oh my God! I've picked a bloody genius after all!' 

Seamus:
Now, I will distribute to yous all some graphs, systems analysis malfunction breakdowns and improvement projections that I've made. (He searches for them in front of him). Oh dear, I've forgotten to bring them with me. 

Reggie:
Jolly good! Splendid. 

Seamus:
Sorry about that. 

Reggie:
Not at all, not at all (Under his breath) I knew he wouldn't let me down. Now I'd like to call upon last, and quite probably least, Jimmy. 

Elizabeth:
What is it? 

Jimmy:
Ah. Well, it isn't really anything. 

Tony:
Brilliant! Completely useless! 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today without recognising a completely useless machine when I see one. 

David:
We'll call it the 'Guess-what-it's-for'. Hours of fun for all the family, trying to work out how to have hours of fun for all the family with it. 

Tom:
I think I can feel a slogan coming on... (He starts to stand).

Reggie:
(He stands. Tom sits). Good, good. Well never mind now. Well, there we are - useless machines, snappy slogans, sales going up all the time, and Seamus's charts which I'm sure would have been extremely interesting if he hadn't forgotten to bring them. I think today's meeting shows that any criticisms of my recent appointments look pretty silly. 

Series Two, Episode Six:

Reggie is increasingly disillusioned with his life, and of the success of Grot in particular. He confides in his secretary Joan about what he thinks will happen to them both: 

Reggie's rubbish chain Grot is a huge success, and he is a man in demand, despite his own attempts to destroy it. Television business and commerce programmes are falling over themselves to land an interview with him. Programmes on BBC1, BBC2 and ITV have all asked him for an exclusive interview. In true Reggie style, he decides to give an exclusive interview to all three.

Series Two, Episode Seven:

'Pillock Talk', BBC1. Hosted by Colin Pillock. 

CP:
Good evening and welcome to this edition of 'Pillock Talk'. Less than three years ago, Reginald Iolanthe Perrin opened a shop called Grot, in the dreary London suburb of Climthorpe. In its window was a sign which said "All the articles sold in this shop are guaranteed useless." Reginald Perrin now has his own factory, almost sixty Grot shops in Britain and on the Continent, and last Friday announced record profits. Reginald Perrin, you sell useless goods. 

RP:
Yes, utterly useless. Cruet sets with no holes, cheque books for the Dogger Bank, tins of melted snow, self- lowering flour, all that sort of thing. All utterly useless. 

CP:
So you're a conman? 

RP:
Good Heavens, no. Of course not. I always announce very clearly the items I sell ARE useless. Conmen don't usually go around wearing sandwich boards saying "Look out! I'm a conman!" do they? No. I am providing a valuable social service. 

CP:
Mr. Perrin! Are you trying to tell me that you're providing a valuable social service? 

RP:
No. 

CP:
But you just said you did. 

RP:
Exactly. I'm not trying to tell you, I'm succeeding. If I'd said "I like squashy bananas" I would have been failing to say "I am providing a valuable social service", but I didn't say "I like squashy bananas", I said "I am providing a valuable social service", thus succeeding brilliantly in saying "Iam providing a valuable social service".

RP:
Well, for one thing, people like to leave useless objects lying around the house. It shows they can afford to spend large sums of money on useless objects.

CP:
"Large sums of money"?! So you admit that your prices are high? 

RP:
Erm, that's not the word I'd use. 

CP:
What word would you use, Mr. Perrin? 

RP:
Exorbitant. Would you say the goods I sell are shoddy? 

CP:
Yes, I would. 

RP:
Yes, so would I. Wouldn't you say people would say "Ooh, what a liberty! I could've made that for 10p!"? 

CP:
Yes. 

RP:
Yes. Wouldn't you say that gave them a warm feeling of superiority over the makers? 

CP:
Yes, I suppose so. 

RP:
Wouldn't you say that was providing a valuable social service? 

CP:
Ye... Mr. Perrin! I ask the questions here! 

RP:
Tell me, Pillock - it is Pillock isn't it, not, er...? - tell me, do you think it is a healthy situation... 'Pillock'?... a healthy situation... heh-heh, what a funny name!...that in a free country you should have the right to ask all the questions? 

CP:
Well of course I do.I'm the interviewer! 

RP:
Tell me, Pillock...heh heh, can't get over that name...why did you take up interviewing? 

CP:
Oh, well you see, as a child I was rather sickly, I had these weak lungs. So the doctor suggested I take up television interviewing. So I... Reginald Perrin, thank you. 

~~~~~~~

Series Two, Episode Seven:

'The World Tomorrow Today', ITV.
Hosted by Sheridan Honeydew. 

RP:
Well, this is the age of built-in obsolescence, Mr. Honeydew. I just built it a bit further in. Yes, the things I sell are obsolete before you even buy them. But I would like to go a bit further. Ideally, I would like to sell goods that fall apart in the shop. What a gift to capitalism that would be: "Oh dear, it's fallen to pieces, I'll have another. Oh dear, that one's fallen to pieces too, I'll have another." And so on. 

SH:
And yet you regard your shops as a 'social service'?! 

RP:
No. 

SH:
But you've gone on record saying that. 

RP:
Ah yes. That was yesterday on 'Pillock Talk', BBC1, which you asked me not to mention. 

SH:
Yes, well you agreed...! 

RP:
'Pillock Talk', BBC1. You asked me not 
to mention it. 

SH:
YES! Well, you agreed...! 

RP:
BBC1. You definitely asked me not to mention it. 

SH:
YES! Well, you agreed to appear exclusively to us! You didn't tell us you'd be appearing on 'Pillock Talk', BBC1, yesterday! 

RP:
I didn't tell Pillock on 'Pillock Talk', BBC1, yesterday, that I would be appearing on 'The World Tomorrow Today' today. 

SH:
Yes, but we asked first! 

RP:
Yes, but I'm telling you different things. I must give YOU value. 

SH:
Now look, Perrin... Er, ha-ha, anyway, the viewers don't want to hear us squabbling. 

RP:
Oh yes they do. It's a lot more interesting than listening to the reorganisation of local government boundaries. That's boring! Take my advice, viewers - when I'm finished, switch over to BBC2. There's a Swedish film on there about a horse- knacker's daughter from Uppsala, who's hobby is taking off her clothes! Phwoahhhhh!!! 

RP:
Sorry. 

SH:
So when you said you were providing a valuable social service, you were lying? 

RP:
Yes, I'm a congenial liar. 

SH:
Don't you mean 'congenital' liar?! 

RP:
No, congenial. I'm enjoying myself. To tell you the truth, Sherry - do you mind if I call you Sherry? - to tell you the truth, I started the whole thing off as a joke. I'd spent a quarter of a century in puddings and I was feeling a trifle stifled. So I decided to try something else - I started Grot. But now I'm much more interested in my bankruptcy. 

SH:
But how can our viewers know if you're telling the truth now? 

RP:
They can't. They may as well switch over to the horse- knacker's daughter. 

SH:
Er, thank you, Mr. Perrin. And now for a vexed and highly fascinating subject, the reorganisation... 

RP:
BBC2! She's down to her bra already! 

Series Two, Episode Seven:

'Hi-Finance', BBC2. Hosted by 
Peregrine Trembleby. 

PT:
Good evening. Britain In Europe. This week we meet Reginald Perrin, one of the most fascinating men on the British shop scene. High Street prankster or social visionary? Well Europe will soon have a chance to find out. Now, your rapid-growth brainchild, the rubbish chain Grot, is really beginning to move into the haupstrasses and grandes rues, isn't it?

RP:
Ja and oui. But frankly Peregrine I am more worried about the philosophical basis behind Grot. There seems to be serious contradictions inherent in the concept. 

PT:
And you feel this is relevant to Europe? 

RP:
No. 

PT:
But it's Europe we're interested in tonight. 

RP:
You may be, Peregrine. I am not. 

RP:
Hard luck! 

PT:
Last week we dicussed the success of the British washing-up liquids. They're taking the Iberian peninsula by storm. 

RP:
Oh, they're cleaning up are they?! 

PT:
Yes... Oh, washing-up liquids, 'cleaning up'. Very good. But to get back to Europe. Have you made any marketing surveys on the Continent? 

RP:
Ah, now I'm glad you asked me that. 

PT:
Well, perhaps you'd like to answer it then? 

RP:
No. I would prefer to talk about my cruet sets with no holes.We say the purpose of a cruet set is for the condiments to emerge when it is tilted - thus. But when we tilt THIS cruet set, it has no holes. Therefore, no condiments emerge. It is therefore useless. 

PT:
Mr. Perrin, I am trying... 

RP:
Very trying. 

PT:
...to talk about Europe. 

RP:
Frankly, Peregrine old bean, to date I have found your questions rather boring. But do try again, I'll try to find them more interesting. 

PT:
Oh, well, er, have you learned anything from the European operations of Marks and Spencers, Woolworths and that 
sort of thing? 

RP:
Nice try, Peregrine - still boring. So, it is therefore useless as a cruet set. But perhaps it is prettier than a cruet set with holes, perhaps it amuses people. What merry laughter will ring around the family dining table when short-sighted Uncle George endeavours to season his soup! 

PT:
Mr. Perrin, I... 

RP:
It is therefore useful as a cruet set with no holes. We can now say of all other cruet sets WITH holes: "What a ridiculous cruet set! It's full of holes. See, the salt and pepper emerge. What sort of a cruet set with no holes is that?" Perhaps my quest for true uselessness is useless. Perhaps the pursuit of uselessness is the only true useless thing. 

PT:
Reginald Perrin, thank you. 

RP:
However... Oh, have we finished?