Series Three, Episode One:

Elizabeth has furnished the house they have chosen, to start their community project, and Reggie has been out recruiting staff. The Perrins are sitting in the living room having tea, and Elizabeth asks Reggie to tell her about the staff he has employed. She is not expecting to know any of them. 

Elizabeth:
Well, I've done my bit, I've furnished the house. Now what have you done about staff? You haven't told me a thing! 

Reggie:
It's all gone very well indeed, darling. I've engaged six excellent people. 

Reggie:
Well, one or two of their names might possibly mean something... er, C.J., for example. 

Elizabeth:
You've appointed C.J.?!!! 

Reggie:
It's all right, darling. He won't be on top of us all the time. He'll probably spend most of his time in his, er, in his, er, tent. 

Elizabeth:
In his what? 

Reggie:
Yes, he'll be living under canvas. Mrs. C.J. won't be with him, she's no frontierswoman. 

Elizabeth:
And where is this tent of C.J.'s going to be? Near here? 

Reggie:
(Laughs) 'Near here'? Well, quite near, darling. 

Elizabeth:
How near? 

Elizabeth:
Reggie, are you trying to tell me that C.J. is going to live in a tent in the back garden? 

Reggie:
Not exactly the back garden, darling. Right at the back of the back... miles away... (he cups his hands and shouts) CCC... .......!!!!!!! Miles away, you won't be able to see him! 

Elizabeth:
And what's he going to do about food? Open tins of Pemmikan down by the compost heap? 

Reggie:
I thought he'd have the odd meal with us, darling. 

Elizabeth:
Which meals? 

Reggie:
Breakfast, lunch, dinner... 

Elizabeth:
I see. So we're going to live together, all three of us. That'll be rather dangerous won't it? 

Elizabeth:
Oh, so I'm to share my house with total strangers? 

Reggie:
Yes, but they won't be total strangers. 

Elizabeth:
Well who will they be? 

Reggie:
They'll be Doc Morrissey, Tony and Joan, David and Prue... 

Elizabeth:
All the old mob. 

Reggie:
...and C.J. Yes, all the old mob. But it'll be wonderful having the old mob back, won't it darling. It'll be like having an old pair of pyjamas - a bit torn here, and a little bit torn there, but a man feels comfortable having them around him - after all, they all proved their worth with Grot. 

Reggie:
Linda? Of course, I'm certainly going to ask Linda... and Tom. 

Elizabeth:
Well it's going to be a bit crowded, isn't it? 

Reggie:
Yes, but that's the whole point of a community, darling. There's no point in having a community if there aren't any people there. I suppose I should have told you this before, but I didn't know how you'd take it. 

Elizabeth:
I think it's all very exciting. 

Reggie:
Oh never mind, you'll soon get... oh darling!!! Yes it is exciting, isn't it. We're going to have to learn completely 
different values. From today onwards we must forget that 'an Englishman's home is his castle'. From now on, an Englishman's home is everybody else's castle. (The doorbell rings). Oh, damn and blast. Who the hell's that?!!! 

Series One, Episode One:

With all the staff moved in to 19 Oslo Avenue, Botchley, they are all convened in the living room for their first meeting. 

Reggie:
Good morning everybody, and welcome to Perrins! I suppose I'd better tell you a bit more about what it's all going to be about. Well, it's going to be sort of a cross between a commune and a self-help therapy centre. People will come here, stay as long as they like, and pay as much as they like. When we open our doors ordinary, respectable, desperate, unhappy people will spend vast sums of money in gratitude for our expert guidance. But before that, we must all undergo a rigorous training period. Now everyone in the community will have a particular job, and the purpose of this morning's meeting is to allocate those jobs. 

Tom:
Sport?!!!  I know nothing about sport! 

Reggie:
That's all right, Doc knows nothing about psychology. 

Doc:
Just a minute, let me tell you, I've been swotting it up like billy-o. 

Reggie:
Oh dear, that is bad news. No Tom, it's sport for you. 

Tom:
But I'm just not a sport person. 

Linda:
It's true, he doesn't know one end of a cricket racquet from the other. 

Tom:
They're bats. I know that. 

Tom:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not a joke person. Seriously though, Reggie, I was hoping to do something with Old English crafts. I've been rather bitten by the crafts bug lately - thatching, basket weaving, that sort of thing. I'd prefer it if the popular Saturday evening TV programme ws called 'Craft Of The Day' and its Sunday equivalent was 'The Big Thatch'.(Silence) You see, when I do make a joke, you don't want to hear it. 

C.J.:
Ha-ha! Well done, Tom. I didn't get where I am today without recognising a rib-tickling play on words when I hear one. 

Reggie:
Ha-ha. Thank you, C.J. No, I'm afraid it's sport for you, Tom, quite definitely. If we're going to be unconventional in our community, we must free sport of competition and aggression - and your pathetic ignorance is exactly what I need for it. 

Reggie:
Not at all. Joan, your department will be music (Tony laughs).

Joan:
Why do you laugh? 

Tony:
'cause you're tone deaf! 

Joan:
Thank you. You certainly know how to make a woman feel good. 

Reggie:
Tony, you will be responsible for culture. 

Tony:
Culture? Oh culture, great. Really knockout, culture. 

Reggie:
Good. Prue, you will be responsible for Old English crafts - thatching, basket weaving, that sort of thing. 

Reggie:
Sorry, Tom. Sport for you. C.J.,your work will be work. 

C.J.:
I don't follow you, Reggie. 

Reggie:
Well C.J., nobody understands the problems of man's relations with his work better than you do... 

C.J.:
Thank you, Reggie. 

Reggie:
... having caused so many of them yourself. Linda, your work will be art - drawing, painting, etc. Which just leaves David, who will be in charge of sex (David faints).

Linda:
Can't I have sex? 

Tom:
Not while you're married to me. 

Linda:
No. 

Series Three, Episode Three:

After the community's first guest fled in panic, Reggie has decided to personally interview each guest as they arrive. 

Reggie:
(On the phone) Perrin here, on green. Would you send in the first of our two guests please, madam secretary? Thank you. (There is a knock at the door) Come in! Hello, and welcome to our little comm... Good Heavens, it's Mr. Pelham the pig farmer! 

Mr. Pelham:
Got it in one, old son! When I saw your adverts I thought, 'That's the same Reggie Perrin who used to swill out my porkers'. 

Reggie:
Ooh, ar. Ooh, ar! 

Mr. Pelham:
'He's the man to come to with my problems', I thought. 

Reggie:
Right, so what are your problems? 

Mr. Pelham:
Well, I've expanded Reg. Pigs, calves, battery chickens. I'm a success! An abbatoir in Bicester gives me group rates. 

Reggie:
Splendid. Great news. So what's the problem? 

Mr. Pelham:
Meat. I've gone off meat. 

Reggie:
Oh dear.

Mr. Pelham:
All those chickens locked in the dark with their beaks cut off. Calves kept anaemic so their meat will be pale, and all to be slaughtered in the end so that people can gorge themselves. 

Reggie:
Oh, dear oh dear. 

Mr. Pelham:
My daughter doesn't speak to me anymore. My son's a vegetarian. And it's ten years since my wife was knocked over by that bus outside Macfisheries. The branch isn't even there now, it's Timothy Whites. 

Mr. Pelham:
Look, is that all you're going to say, "Oh dear, oh dear"? 

Reggie:
(Under his breath) Try and look professional. (He pretends to write things down, while Mr. Pelham peers over). Sorry, professional secret (Reggie slides the paper off the desk and screws it up).

Mr. Pelham:
I get these strange dreams, Reg. Dreams of Hell. 

Reggie:
Oh dear oh dear. 

Mr. Pelham:
I'm locked in a cage with my nose cut off. Rows of me, millions of me. And opposite there are thousands of me, turning on spits, dripping fat. And Satan and thousands of his sultry mistresses are licking their lips in anticipation of their finger-lickin' Hades Fried Pelham. 

Reggie:
Oh dear oh dear. 

Mr. Pelham:
Well, if you can't do anything for me... (He gets up to leave).

Reggie:
(Under his breath) Say something, say anything. Er, yes, our expert therapists and consultants will help to make you a wiser, braver, happier, better, more complete human being. When you leave here, Mr. Pelham, your problems will be... will no longer exist! 

Mr. Pelham:
Thank you, Reg. I knew you could do it (He turns and leaves). 

Reggie: (Under his breath) It's more than I did. (He picks up the phone) Would you send in the second of our two guests, please, madam secretary, thank you. (To himself) I must be more dominant and assertive right from the start. (There is a knock at the door). Come in! 

Thruxton:
Morning. Thruxton Appleby the textiles tycoon. I expect you've heard of me. Yes, of course you have. I saw your advert in the Mucklethwaite Morning Telegraph, and I like it's bare-faced cheek. If there's one thing I admire, it's bare-faced cheek. Yorkshireman are you? 

Reggie:
No no, Londoner. 

Reggie:
Oh, how flattering. So what is your problem, Mr. Appleby? 

Thruxton:
I'm not likeable, Mr. Perrin. 

Reggie:
Oh! (Pretends to write) 'Thinks he's not likeable, and he's dead right'. Sorry, professional secret. 

Thruxton:
Oh. I'm not liked as a person, you see. It's an ungrateful world. When I think of all the things I've done for Mucklethwaite: You can walk through the Thruxton Appleby Memorial Gardens, past the Thruxton Appleby Memorial Bandstand, and gaze out over the whole of Mucklethwaite as far as Scrag End Fell, and what are you sat on? 

Reggie:
I've no idea. 

Thruxton:
The Thruxton Appleby Memorial Seat. 

Reggie:
Oh. Shouldn't memorials be for after you're dead? 

Thruxton:
Well that's no good is it, you can't take them with you. My trouble, Mr. Perrin, is I expect money to carry all before it. Cure me of that and you can name your price. 

Reggie:
(Under his breath) Treat him the way he treats everybody else. Be as rude as he is. (He pretends to write again). Smoke? 

Thruxton:
Yes. 

Reggie:
Oh! 'Smokes - filthy habit'. Caught you there! Drink? 

Thruxton:
Yes. 

Reggie:
Gin, whisky, vodka? 

Thruxton:
Anything. 

Thruxton:
What's that you say?! 

Reggie:
Oh deaf, too. 'Smokes, drinks, deaf...' 

Thruxton:
I'm not used to being spoken to like that! 

Reggie:
Well, you should come here more often. Tell me, Drangleby, why do you think you're so loathed? 

Thruxton:
Not 'loathed', Mr. Perrin. Not even 'disliked', just 'not liked'. I'm rich you see. 

Reggie:
Oh we'll soon cure you of that. (He writes) 'Nosey swine'. Excuse me would you? (Reggie walks to the door. Thruxton reads what Reggie has written).

Thruxton:
I don't think I'm a 'nosey swine'! 

Reggie:
Caught you again! (He meets C.J. in the corridor) Ah, C.J. Will you come into my office in exactly thirty seconds, and help to deflate the pompous windbag who's sitting in there? 

C.J.:
It'd be a pleasure. 

Reggie:
Thank you, C.J. (He returns to his office and waits). Come in! 

Thruxton:
Nobody knocked. 

Reggie:
Somebody will, if you give it time. Come in!

Thruxton:
Why do you keep saying 'come in'? 

Reggie:
Third time lucky. Come in.C.J., are you coming in? (C.J. enters) Ah, C.J. it's you, Good Heavens.Is this important C.J.? 

C.J.:
Not at all, Reggie. 

Reggie:
Good, then take your time. 

C.J.:
I just wondered if you'd heard the weather forecast? 

C.J.:
Good. I'll be off then. 

Reggie:
Oh, this is the chemicals tycoon Throxton Dringleby. 

Thruxton:
Textiles! 

C.J.:
Nice to meet you, Mr. Textiles. 

Thruxton:
Appleby! 

Reggie:
You've probably heard of the Throxton Ongleby Memorial Hatstand? 

Thruxton:
Bandstand! 

C.J.:
Nice to have met you, Mr. Bandstand. (C.J. leaves).

Thruxton:
Not very subtle tactics! 

Reggie:
For a not very subtle man. Now we can cure you, Droogleby, but it'll take some time: In a fortnight you'll no longer be obnoxious - irritating and mind-bogglingly boring, perhaps, but not obnoxious. In three weeks you'll be tolerable in medium-sized doses in mixed company, and in four weeks, give or day a take or two - or give or take a day or two, as it's not an exact science and I'm not an exact speaker - you might even be likeable. 

Thruxton:
Thank you! 

Reggie:
Off you go, you bloated capitalist. Take your unacceptable face from my study! 

Thruxton:
Thank you. Thank you! (He leaves).

Reggie:
He took it! He must be mad! 

Series Three, Episode Four:

Reggie's community is an enormous success, with 41 guests. Mr. Dent from Botchley Borough Council has an appointment with Reggie to try to uncover 'planning irregularities'. But the meeting doesn't go quite as Reggie expected. 

Mr. Dent:
I'll come straight to the point, Mr. Perrin. You are conducting a business on private premises, are you not? 

Reggie:
No. Coffee? 

Mr. Dent:
No thank you. I find the little social niceties interfere with my concentration. 

Reggie:
Yes, they do rather, don't they (He picks up the green phone). McBlane? Perrin here, on red. Would you send up coffee and biscuits for two, please? Thank you. He'll be up straight away. 

Reggie:
Ah! Well spotted! Excuse me (He picks up the phone again). McBlane? I rang you just now, saying I was on red, I was actually on green. That won't affect the coffee or the biscuits will it? Good, thank you. Yes, split your clunge, too. (He replaces the receiver). 'Eagle-eye Dent' they should call you! 

Mr. Dent:
You wouldn't be trying to divert me from the matter at hand would you? 

Reggie:
Good Lord, no. 

Mr. Dent:
You place adverts in the newspapers, clients arrive, they receive treatment, they pay. Is that or is that not a commercial venture?! 

Reggie:
No. 

Mr. Dent:
I'm a very busy man! 

Reggie:
Yes, I realise you must be with your powers of observation and intelligence. 

Mr. Dent:
True. 

McBlane:
Pogue mahone! 

Reggie:
Yes, quite. (McBlane leaves). Our chef. You could probably get him condemned as a health hazard!

Mr. Dent:
What exactly is it you're hoping to deliver in these houses of yours? 

Reggie:
The universal panacea for all mankind. Ginger nut? 

Mr. Dent:
Thank you (He takes one and eats it, speaking with his mouth full). Don't get me wrong, Mr. Perrin. I quite like the idea of your universal panacea for all mankind, it might do a bit of good. 

Reggie:
Thank you. 

Mr. Dent:
Mmm, delicious ginger nut. 

Reggie:
Thank you. 

Reggie:
I've made no structural changes. Another 
ginger nut? 

Mr. Dent:
Thank you, they're tasty. (He takes another). Structural changes aren't the be all and end all, Mr. Perrin. 

Reggie:
I realise that... 

Mr. Dent:
Mmmm, delicious ginger nut. It's quite as nice as the first. 

Reggie:
You're a shrewd judge of a ginger nut. 

Mr. Dent:
Are you trying to soft-soap me? 

Reggie:
Good Lord, no. You've got far too much moral fibre. 

Mr. Dent:
Thank you. So you've made no structural changes? 

Reggie:
No. It's true that some garden sheds and bedrooms are being used for other purposes but they could revert to their former uses at the drop of a hat. After all, if the Jack Russell does 'big jobs' in the dining room is it, by that account, 'a 
downstairs toilet'? 

Reggie:
Yes? 

Mr. Dent:
I could get you on inadequate air vents. Though I shouldn't, I'm mustard on inadequate air vents. 

Reggie:
I bet you're a little devil on inadequate earnings! 

Mr. Dent:
(He breaks down) What a pathetic boast!

Reggie:
I'm sorry, what? 

Mr. Dent:
My one precious existence on this enthralling planet, and that's all I can summon up: "I'm mustard on inadequate earnings". What a miserable piece of human flotsam I am! 

Reggie:
You're not! 

Mr. Dent:
I am, I am! 

Reggie:
You're not. Look, come with me. I'll show you some dismal pieces of human flotsam. (He leads Mr. Dent towards the door). Do you want to bring your biscuits with you? No? 

Series Three, Episode Five:

Reggie's community 'Perrins', a place 'for the middle-aged and middle-class where people can learn to live in peace and happiness', is a great success. BBC1's Colin Pillock has invited him back onto his show 'Pillock Talk' to talk about his new venture. 

'Pillock Talk', BBC1. Hosted by Colin Pillock. 

CP:
Good evening, and welcome to this edition of 'Pillock Talk'. My name is Colin Pillock. 

RP:
(laughing) I'm awfully sorry. I still can't get over that name. 

RP:
Yes. 

CP:
It's been described as a community for the middle-aged and the middle-class in what used to be Middlesex. 

RP:
Yes. 

CP:
Tell me, Mr. Perrin, are you running this community for the benefit of humanity, or simply to make money, or is it a giant confidence trick? 

RP:
Yes. 

CP:
I hope you're not going to tie yourself to this monosyllabic repetition of 'yes'. 

CP:
Oh good, because our viewers might think it a waste of time for you to come here and say nothing BUT 'yes'. 

RP:
Yes. 

CP:
So, which of them is it, Mr. Perrin? A social venture for the benefit of mankind? Purely a commercial venture? Or a con trick? 

RP:
Yes. It's all three of them. That's the beauty of it. 

CP:
What kind of people come to this community? 

CP:
I, er, I see... 

RP:
Not too monosyllabic for you, I hope? 

CP:
Thank you, Reginald Perrin. 

Series Three, Episode Five:

There has been a spate of thefts and many guests have left. A femme fatale called Deborah Swaffham has tried to seduce all the men, and staff morale is waining. Reggie holds a crisis meeting in his office to sort things out.
 

Reggie:(Calls for attention over the chatter). Please. Please!!!! (He bangs a gavel on his desk. The staff fall silent). Not very long ago I praised you all in this very room... well not in this very room, in that very room. But now I'm in this very room because I am very cross, and this is a much better room for being very cross in. And why am I cross? Because there has been a sad decline in morale. Now, these things must be nipped in the bud. So that is what this meeting is for - to find out which buds, how they should be nipped, and in what. And with what. So I want each of you to give me a firm idea of how they would improve morale. Who wants to start? 

C.J.:
Get rid of Deborah Swaffham. 

Reggie:
Oh, is she the one with the big, erm... (He indicates breasts).

C.J.:
Yes. 

Reggie:
I hadn't really noticed her. Would you like to give me your reasons, C.J.? 

Reggie:
And what roles were you playing, C.J.? 

C.J.:
'Mother and Fathers'. A mistake Reggie. I didn't get where I am today by playing 'Mothers and Fathers'. Anyway, out of the mouths of babes and little children - she was playing the mother, by the way - she took off her clothes. It's been a long time, Reggie. I forgot myself. She hit me. We dressed in angry silence. 

Reggie:
Oh 'we'? You got undressed as well? 

C.J.:
She was shy of undressing. She said she had an unsexy body. I said "You haven't seen mine". She said it might help her if she did. She did. It didn't. 

Reggie:
This just goes to show how we should leave all medical matters like this to the Doc. 

Doc:
Er, no. She got on the couch. She seemed so tense and vulnerable. I only put my arm round her. 

Reggie:
Where were you, Doc? 

Jimmy:
(Talks in his sleep) Single to the terminus. 

Reggie:
What?!!! 

Jimmy:
Sorry, must have nodded off. Thought I was on holiday. Malta. Bus ride. Nice old buses, green, instant ticket system. Sorry. Not sleeping too well. This business with 'Lofty' taking all my medals. Morale shot to pieces. What's meeting all about. Sort of missed that bit. 

Reggie:
Low morale, Jimmy! 

Jimmy:
Ah! Treacherous chap, low morale. Depressing sort of cove. 

Reggie:
Exactly. Now Doc, do we hear your idea for improving morale? 

Doc:
Get rid of Deborah Swaffham. 

Reggie:
Oh my God! I can see that if I want any sensible suggestions, I'm going to have to turn to the ladies. Joan? 

Joan:
Get rid of Deborah Swaffham. Tony's doing 'Antony and Cleopatra' with her. "Come back to my room", she coos. "Knockout!", he says. He is really into Deborah Swaffham. She is 'where it's at'. 

Tony:
Ah, but she isn't. That's the whole point, yer great pudd'n'. 

Reggie:
Please, please. Children! Why can't you be like Prue here and David? 

David & Prue:
Please. Leave us out of it. 

Tony & Joan:
Oh, you self- satisfied prigs! 

Reggie:
Please! Can we just drop Deborah Swaffham and stop falling asleep! 

Jimmy:
(Talks in his sleep again) Period return to Gozo please. (Wakes up) Sorry. Some sort of meeting is it? 

Reggie:
Yes Jimmy, we're discussing why you keep falling asleep! 

Jimmy:
Sorry. Missed that bit. Fell asleep. 

Reggie:
Tsk! Now, can we please move on from Deborah Swaffham?

Tony:
Hear, hear! She's Bad News City, Arizona, that one. Went to its room. Cow wasn't even there. 

Tom:
Oh, you too? Er, I mean, you too...tootled off toher room and she wasn't even there? 

Joan:
All the time he pretended he was ill and didn't want any dinner. It's pathetic! 

Linda:
(To Tom) Oh, so that's why you pretended you were ill?!!! 

Reggie:
Not you as well, Tom? My God! Perrins? It's more like Sodom and Gomorrha. 

Linda:
No, she wasn't there, you poor sap! 

Reggie:
(Everyone starts to chatter. Reggie bangs his gavel hard). Please!!! (The gavel breaks). Now look! I've broken my gavel. Symbolic moment - Perrins is finished, Utopia kaput, panacea for all mankind, stuff it! 

Elizabeth:
(Stands in anger). I'm disgusted with you all! Have we nothing better to do than insult one another?! 

C.J.:
Exactly. Out of the mouths of babes and little children. 

Elizabeth:
Oh, stop saying that, it's meaningless, you stupid fool! 

Reggie:
Darling, please! 

Elizabeth:
Is our wonderful community to collapse because of a few petty thefts and a mixed-up woman who makes a fool of all the men? Problems are what we're here to deal with! Deborah Swaffham should see the sex therapist! We must fight back, and reveal these setbacks for what they are: pinpricks. So cheer up, things could be worse. And now, let's have some sensible suggestions. 

Reggie:
That's right! 'Sensible suggestions'. Let's have some sensible suggestions. Now, come on! 

Jimmy:
(Talks in his sleep) Well why don't you have red Rovers, you stupid Maltese fool! 

Series Three, Episode, Six:

Doc Morrissey has 'invented' an elixir to restore confidence and stem flagging morale. He addresses a staff meeting and persuades them to try the liquid themselves. It turns out later to be tap water. 

Reggie: Ladies and gentlemen, I've called you all here today to listen to Doc Morrissey, the wizard of the medicine chest. 

Doc:
Thank you, Reggie. I've invented this amazing potion which you see before you. Its ingredients consist of several things with long names which will be meaningless to laymen. But its effect is simple and stunning. It controls our adrenalin, our insulin, our blood supply, our sugar level, cures all aggression and inhibition, and regular doses leave the body in a state of complete equilibrium. Right, now who's going to be the first to try it? (There is silence). Don't all 
shout at once. 

Reggie:
Well, come on, come on. Where's your faith and trust? 

Tom:
Well, I do have a few qualms about it, I must admit. 

Linda:
Well I'll try it. 

C.J.:
We can't afford to look a gift horse in the mouth, or we may go down with a sinking ship. I didn't get where I am today by looking a gift horse in the mouth, or by going down with a sinking ship. 

Jimmy:
Army put bromide in men's tea, subdue sexual feelings. Heat of battle, erotic fantasies dangerous. Chaps falling in love with their bayonet prods, that sort of thing. Ends justify means. I'm for old thingummy's wonder whatsit. 

Elizabeth:
Me too! 

Jimmy:
Good scout! 

Elizabeth:
Why are you smiling, Reggie? 

Reggie:
I was just thinking, darling. Remember all those misprints on those English menus in Crete? In the restaurants we saw 'lamb shops' and 'lamp chops', we never actually saw one that said 'lamp shops'. Rather like Jimmy, I've often heard him say 'stout girl' and 'good scout'. I've never actually heard him say 'stout scout'! Sorry darling, a bit of a red herring, perhaps, at a rather important moment, but you asked me what I was smiling at and that was exactly what I was smiling at. Sorry, Doc. Carry on. 

Tony:
Look, Doc. Is this stuff gonna work? I've had Tom's pineapple whisky syndrome up to here, and I'm not hitting any more revolting drinks unless it leads to Results City, Arizona. 

Linda:
No, it was pineapple gin, and it was revolting. 

Reggie:
Well, Doc. Tony is absolutely right. He does have the right to ask "is it going to work". Has it been tested at all?

Doc:
Er, a bit. 

Reggie:
Ah, there you are! What on? 

Doc:
Er, pencils. 

Reggie:
Pencils. 

Doc:
Pencils. 

C.J.:
What sort of pencils?!!! 

Doc:
HB, C.J. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today tasting a liquid that's only been tested on pencils!!! 

Tony:
(Laughing heartily) Did these pencils show a marked lack of aggression?! 

Reggie:
Please! It's so easy to be sarcastic. It's a failing I myself have fallen into once or twice. That's a very negative approach. I'm sure the Doc has a very good reason for testing them on pencils, haven't you, Doc? 

Tom:
I'm glad. I'm not a testing things on 
animals person. 

Linda:
Oh, but pencils are alright are they? What about the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pencils? 

Joan:
I think vivisection of Papermates is shocking! 

Linda:
Oh quite. And I was outraged to read about the propelling pencil that was trained to turn round and propel itself up its own shaft! 

Elizabeth:
Don't be so sarcastic! I'm happy to try Doc's medicine right now. 

Jimmy:
Stout scout! 

Reggie:
Jimmy! He said it! 

Jimmy:
What? 

Reggie:
Nothing. Now, well done darling. Hands up everyone who wants to try Doc's potion here and now. (Doc raises his hand). No, not you Doc. 

David:
I'll try your medicine, Doc. If it makes me ill, Prue might come back to me. 

Tom:
Probably my qualms were just the qualm before the storm. Joke. Joke over. 

C.J.:
Never let it be said that I was the one ugly duckling that prevented the goose from laying the Golden Egg. 

Reggie:
I'll never let that be said, C.J. (C.J.'s hand is the last to go up). Good. There we are Doc. 

Elizabeth:
And you, Reggie! 

Reggie:
Oh no, no. Somebody must remain totally unaffected so as to observe the results scientifically. (Everyone puts their hands down). And who better than McBlane to carry out that task, so there's my hand! (He raises his hand).

Doc:
May you be the first to drink it? (He hands Reggie the decanterand a glass).

Reggie:
Oh. Oh good. (He pours a tiny amount).

Doc:
The dose is half a glass. 

Reggie:
Yes, but there's all the guests and the rest of the staff. (Doc points towards the table, which is full of bottles of the liquid). I'll take half a glass. Very well. (Reggie drinks, watched anxiously by the rest). There we are. Nothing to it! (Everyone queues up at the table).

Series Three, Episode Six:

After a tip-off that the local youths are about to destroy Perrins, Reggie appoints Jimmy as the leader of the defence force to combat the thugs. The staff are assembled to hear Jimmy's strategy. He enters after a short delay, dressed in full army uniform.
 

Jimmy:
Sorry I'm late. Cock-up on back collar stud front. 

Jimmy:
Thank you, Reggie. At ease. Tell you my thought processes. 

Joan:
That should be good for fifteen seconds. 

Jimmy:
Element of surprise essential. Where will enemy expect us to be? 

Elizabeth:
Inside? 

Jimmy:
Exactly. So where will we be? 

Jimmy:
Precisely. In garden. 

Tony:
They'll see us! 

Jimmy:
Disguised. 

Reggie:
Ah! 

Jimmy:
Precisely. 

Linda:
What as? 

Jimmy:
Exactly.

Reggie:
Well? 

Jimmy:
Oh. First thought - molehills. 

Reggie:
Disguised as molehills? Molehills are too small, Jimmy. 

C.J.:
I'm told I keep saying "I didn't get where I am today by..." whatever it is. If so, I'm sorry. I'll try not to use the phrase again. However, if I didn't get where I am today by one thing above all other things I didn't get where I am today by, it's "I didn't get where I am today by being disguised as HALF A COMPOST HEAP!!!!!!" 

Jimmy:
Compost heaps, pros and cons. Credit side - Big enough. Nice and warm. Element of surprise when attacked by compost heap considerable. Debit side - Smelly, bad for morale. Field of vision limited. Delay in getting out of compost heap considerable. And, erm, anyway we haven't got any. Careful consideration, but on balance, 'thumbs down'. 

Reggie:
Congratulations, Jimmy. Well done! (They applaud).

Reggie:
For deciding it shouldn't be compost heaps. 

Jimmy:
Thanks, Reggie. Better idea - trees. 

Reggie:
Trees! Trees? 

Jimmy:
Disguised as trees. Large wooden clubs disguised as branches. Let them approach house. Take them in rear. Terrify them. Nail the sods! 

Reggie:
Well done, Jimmy. (He turns to the staff) Well if you're all looking at me to nip this idea of Jimmy's in the bud, you'll have a long wait. I appointed him as our defence supremo. Trees he says, and trees it's going to be. Bags me be hornbeam, last one outside the door's got Dutch elm disease! (They all rush for the door).

Series Three, Episode Seven:

After the demise of the community, Reggie is forced to return to the commuter life with a job at Amalgamated
Aerosols. He is sent for an interview with the company's boss, a man with an almost familiar name - F.J. 

F.J.:
(Reggie has knocked on F.J.'s door) Come! Perrin. Welcome! I believe you know my brother, C.? 

Reggie:
Good Heavens! You are C.J.'s brother! 

F.J.:
Oh yes. I didn't get where I am today without being C.J.'s brother. 

Reggie:
Oh my God! You say that as well? 

F.J.:
No. That's just my little joke. I'm very different from C. Do sit down. 

F.J.:
Good gimmick, eh?! C. copied it. He never really carried it through. My brother's too soft. 

Reggie:
Soft? 

F.J.:
All mouth and no trousers. You weren't taken in ? You weren't frightened by his manner I hope? 

Reggie:
'Frightened by his manner'? Good Lord, no. Pull the other one! 

F.J.:
I am hard. Cigar? 

Reggie:
Thank you. (Reggie gets up to reach for a cigar. The chair farts. F.J. laughs).

F.J.:
Lighter? (Reggie gets up again. The chair farts again). Ash tray? (The chair farts again). 'Thoroughly discomfited, the hopeful employee quakes', eh? 

Reggie:
Absolutely. 

F.J.:
You'd like to work here? 

F.J.:
Oh save that guff for Fennell. 

Reggie:
Yes, I've seen Mr. Fennell. 

F.J.:
You've seen Fennell, eh? Nozzles! 

Reggie:
I beg your pardon? 

F.J.:
Nozzles! Your views on! Think on your feet! (Reggie stands, and the chair farts again).

Reggie:
I'd rather remain sitting down, if it's all the same to you, er... Nozzles, yes. They're the things on top of air fresheners, you can never see which way the arrow's pointing, you always point it the wrong way, and get an eyeful of air freshener. 

F.J.:
I like a man who can think on his feet! You and your good lady must come to Leatherhead some day and meet my good lady. Mrs. F.J. cooks an amazing lobster thermostat.

Reggie:
Oh, that does sound amazing. 

Reggie:
Really? 

F.J.:
No. 

Reggie:
What? 

F.J.:
There's no such thing as lobsterthermostat, it's lobster thermidor.

Reggie:
Yes, yes. I know that. 

F.J.:
Well, why the hell didn't you say? Because you thought I was a pretentious, ignorant oaf who'd got it wrong! 

Reggie:
Yes, that's it exactly! 

F.J.:
You fell headlong into my executive trap. 

Reggie:
Yes, I certainly did, F.J. 

F.J.:
I don't like being called a 'pretentious, ignorant oaf'! 

F.J.:
Yes?

Reggie:
Did C.J. recommend me, F.J.? 

F.J.:
Yes. 

Reggie:
Good God! I mean G.G. I mean... 

F.J.:
(On the phone) Fennell? I've got your chap Perrin here, Fennell. Oh, you thought he was my chap, well he's your chap, let me assure you. What do you think of him? Ah! Oh! Oh. Oh. Well I think he has an unusual flair for invention and he's just the man for us. Oh you agree? Well, it's your decision, Fennell. I hope you are right. Goodbye, Fennell. (He puts down the phone). You start Monday fortnight. You'll be working in our air freshener and deodorant division. Goodbye, Perrin! 
(Reggie gets up, and the chair farts yet again).

Series Three, Episode Seven:

Although F.J. is the Managing Director of Reggie's new workplace Amalgamated Aerosols, his immediate boss is... C.J.
 

C.J.:
(He walks into Reggie's office) Morning, Reggie! Morning Iris. 

Reggie:
(Still choking on his coffee at the revelation that C.J. is his new boss) Morning C.J. 

C.J.:
I'm in the next office. We can use the adjoining doors. 

Reggie:
Splendid. Excuse me, Miss Hoddle. (He goes into C.J.'s office).

C.J.:
Well, sit down. (Reggie eyes the chair suspiciously) Oh no no no. I leave that kind of thing to F. Those kind of childish pranks seem to amuse him. Did he pull his lobster thermostat stunt? 

Reggie:
Yes he did. 

C.J.:
Pathetic powers he uses to make some people behave foolishly. Adjoining offices, eh? We can be in and out like lamb's tails. 

C.J.:
But! Not in each other's pockets!

Reggie:
No, definitely not in each others... C.J., might I ask one trifling detail about my job? 

C.J.:
Certainly. 

Reggie:
What is it? 

C.J.:
Didn't they tell you? Typical! Ha-ha. You're my think tank. 

Reggie:
Think tank? 

C.J.:
Yes. (He picks up the phone). C.J. on red. Send in Muscroft and Rosewall. I've stuck my neck out over you, Reggie. "F.", I said, "you always promised me that if things went wrong there'd be a niche for me at Aerosol House. I've preferred to go my own way", I said, "but now I'm prepared to take that niche on one condition. 'What condition's that?' he enquired. F.", I said, "I want Reggie Perrin as my think tank." 

Reggie:
That's very kind of you, C.J. Thank you. 

C.J.:
I was your boss, then you were my boss, and now I'm your boss again. But I haven't got you here to gloat. That's not the C.J. way. Reggie, do you remember that Exotic Ices project, all that time ago at Sunshine Desserts? 

C.J.:
I like your attitude. 

Reggie:
You want me to do the same with aerosols don't you? 

C.J.:
You're the shrewd one Reggie. The world of aerosols and air fresheners is in the doldrums. 

Reggie:
Yes, you want new smells - strawberry, raspberry, lychee... 

C.J.:
I like your thinking. (There's a knock at the door). Come! (Two men enter). Morning Muscroft, morning Rosewall. From now on, you take your instructions from Mr. Perrin, here. 

Muscroft:
Marvellous! 

Rosewall:
Terrific! 

Reggie:
Oh my God! 

C.J.:
It's all systems go on the exotic air fresheners. The world is our oyster. You can have the spices of the Orient and the 
wild flowers of the Andes, and between us we shall turn a mundane visit to the washroom into a sensual wonderland. 
This is the big one! 

Muscroft:
Marvellous! 

Reggie:
Oh my God! 

C.J.:
Every dog has its day. 

Muscroft:
Marvellous! 

Rosewall:
Terrific! 

Reggie:
Oh my God! 

C.J.:
That'll be all, gentlemen. Stay behind Reggie. 

Muscroft:
Marvellous! 

Rosewall:
Terrific! 

Reggie:
Get out! 

C.J.:
Reggie? I don't want any funny business. 

Reggie:
'Funny business', C.J.? 

C.J.:
You've been on a switchback of fate. You've been discontented. You thought there was a greener hill far away with grass on the other side, and you went in search of it. And you found there wasn't a greener hill far away with grass on the other side. 

Reggie:
Yes, I realise there isn't a greener hill far away with grass on the other side... 

Reggie:
Very well, C.J. 

C.J.:
I want you to familiarise yourself with the state of play, odour-wise. There's a smelling in Borehamwood tomorrow. 

Reggie:
A smelling in Borehamwood tomorrow! 

C.J.:
I like your attitude. Edwich can take you in his car. 

Reggie:
Edwich! 

C.J.:
Amid all the twists and turns of our entangled fates, Reggie, I hope that we've learned to live and work together, and how to employ patience and understanding ant tolerance and (he thumps the desk) kindness! 

Reggie:
I certainly hope so, C.J. ! (Reggie turns to leave).

C.J.:
Reggie! We aren't one of those dreadful firms who thinks a man's on the downward slope when he starts spilling coffee down his crutch.Goodbye Reggie! (Reggie leaves).

Series Three, Episode Seven:

Reggie has attended a 'smelling', a market research exercise to determine what certain fragrances remind people of. Reggie's answers were slightly different to everybody else's. Next day, C.J. has Reggie in his office to talk about it.
 

C.J.:
Something extraordinary appears to have happened at the smelling. 

C.J.:
Normally, nothing extraordinary happens at a smelling, but yesterday it did. Cigar? 

Reggie:
(Taking a cigar). Thank you, C.J. 

C.J.:
The computer has processed the results of the smelling. 

Reggie:
Ah! 

C.J.:
Exactly. As you so rightly say "Ah!" This is what smell number one reminded its smellers of: five people - mountains, four people - snow, three people - fresh water, two people - large forest, one person - Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap! 

C.J.:
Smell number two: nine people - herbs, one each for: lavender, thyme, marjoram, spice factory, heather and... Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap! 

Reggie:
This is astonishing, C.J.! 

C.J.:
Smell number three, and a greater degree of unanimity: fourteen people - roses. But! 

Reggie:
But! 

C.J.:
One person - Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap! 

Reggie:
I can hardly credit this, C.J. 

Reggie:
Oh dear. (He counts them on his fingers). Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today by everything smelling of Bolivian unicyclist's jockstraps! There will be an investigation, Reggie. And who'll lead this investigation? 

Reggie:
(Pointing at himself).I've no idea, C.J. 

Reggie:
Me, C.J.?! 

C.J.:
You, Reggie! This is the big one! Goodbye, Reggie!!! (Reggie walks to the door). Reggie? Be thorough! Leave no worm unturned! 

Reggie:
C.J., I'll find out who did this if it's the last thing I do! 

C.J.:
I like your attitude. 

Reggie:
Goodbye, C.J.