| The
beneficiaries gather for the reading of Reggie's will
Series Four,
Episode One:
Geraldine
Hackstraw, solicitor
with the firm
of Hackstraw,
Lovelace and
Venison, and the executor of Reginald Perrin's will, has invited all
the
beneficiaries into her office for the obligatory reading of the Last
Will
and Testament of Reginald Perrin.
Geraldine:
I'm sorry it's so
crowded.
And I really must thank you all for coming.
Elizabeth:
I think we were all
pleased
to come.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I
am
today without being pleased to come!
Geraldine:
Before we start, may
I just
find out, very briefly, who you all are?
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth Perrin,
his widow.
Linda:
Linda Perrin, his
daughter.
C.J.:
Charles Jefferson,
was his
boss, then his employee, then his colleague, then his
boss again.
Doc:
Doc Morrissey,
ex-medical
officer, Sunshine Desserts. Now living in happy retirement in Southall
with my ethnic friends.
David:
David Harris-Jones,
long-term
employee.
Prue:
Prue Harris-Jones,
David's
long-term,
adoring wife.
Joan:
Joan Greengross,
Reggie's
secretary
of long
standing.
Elizabeth:
And blessedly short
lying
down! Sorry!
Tom:
Tom Patterson,
ex-son-in-law,
ex-estate agent, exasperated by all this drama!
Jimmy:
Major James
Anderson, Harrow
(expelled). Queen's Own Berkshire Light Infantry (forcibly retired).
Founder,
private army (disbanded after colleague vamoosed
with takings).
Managing
Director, narrowboat hire firm (disbanded after another colleague
vamoosed
with takings). First wife Sheila, deserted. Second wife Lettuce,
squashed
by juggernaut.
Geraldine:
Thank you. Well, it
is now
my duty to read out Mr. Perrin's will. "I, Reginald Iolanthe Perrin,
being
of sound mind (or as sound mind as ever I was), request Ms. Hackstraw -
or whoever replaces her in the event of her pre-deceasing me...", which
I haven't I'm glad to... well, not glad. I certainly didn't want Mr.
Perrin
to predecease me, and I'm sure Mrs. Perrin didn't. Let's just
say...
Jimmy:
Abandon ship!
Geraldine:
I beg your
pardon?
Jimmy:
Rather digging your
own
grave there! Sorry, inappropriate metaphor. All I meant was - awkward
moment.
Thought I'd save you
by tactful
interruption.
Awkward cove, Johnny Tact. Never quite got the hang of the blighter.
interruption
over, carry on.
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Geraldine:
Thank you.
"...request Ms.
Hackstraw to read out this, my last will and testament, in the presence
of those expressly summoned hereto, to whit - you lot. The Battersea
Dogs
Home is a splendid organisation. But to leave one's money to it is a
cliche,
and to me cliches are like a red rag to a bird in the hand, as C.J.
might
say..."
C.J.:
It's true, I might.
It's
a failing of mine. I'm
drawn to cliches
like a
moth to a long lane.
Geraldine:
"...I would prefer
to leave
my money to more original causes: to form
a society to provide
free
psychiatric help to guilt- ridden, overpaid bosses of privatised
industries,
to expand the Legal Aid system so that it can reach the needy as well
as
the rich and to provide minibuses so that rich, privileged children can
take depressed underpaid English cricketers to the
seaside. But I
won't. I
leave all my worldly possessions to my dear, beloved, lovely
wife
Elizabeth..."
Jimmy:
Well, hear, hear.
She deserves
it. Good girl, big sis. Never one to desert an old soldier in
difficulties.
Geraldine:
"..and to her
intellectually-deprived,
emotionally- disadvantaged brother Jimmy..."
Jimmy:
Oh! I thought you'd
finished!
Don't much
like the
description, but
have to say - would be glad of the dosh.
Geraldine:
"...who will no
doubt need
it as there will no doubt have been a cock-up on the
pensions front.
Jimmy:
Got it in one! He
must be
psychic!
Tom:
Hardly needs to be
psychic
to predict that!
Linda:
Tom!
Tom:
You spoke to
me!
Linda:
Well there's no need
to
be rude to Jimmy.
He can't help being
what
he is.
Jimmy:
Linda! Anyway. (he
gets
up). Rest of you, bound to be disappointed. Bad luck. But don't
worry.
Get
into difficulties - all requests for help considered
sympathetically.
Geraldine:
"...And to my dear,
dear
daughter Linda..."
Jimmy:
Oh there's more?
Sorry,
wrong end of
the stick. Sorry. (he
sits back down).
Geraldine:
"...who has
supported me
through thick and even thicker and who will need all she can get after
her marriage to that dreadful arse Tom..."
Tom:
I see! I've been
bought
here to be insulted!
Well I've had enough
of
that, and I'm off!
Geraldine:
Sit down.
Tom:
What?
Geraldine:
You have to stay.
Unless
everybody stays nobody gets anything, so please, sit down.
Tom:
Ohhhh!!!! I was
tempted
to go anyway, but I can't can I? Bloody hell! Bloody Reggie!
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Geraldine:
"...to that dreadful
arse
Tom. I love him dearly and I'm sorry his marriage broke up..."
Tom:
Oh, well that's very
generous.
I'm sorry if I was a bit ungratious.
Geraldine:
"...It's not his
fault he's
a dreadful arse." I'm sorry Mr. Patterson, but I have to read it all.
Those
are my instructions.
Tom:
It's alright, Ms.
Hackstraw.
I understand about instructions. I also was 'in the professions'.
Linda:
"'In the
professions'?"
Tom, you were an
estate agent!
Tom:
You're speaking
to me again! Is this a new start?
Linda:
Do you want a new
start?
Tom:
No.
David:
Shut up! Well, I
mean I
want to hear who else, well I mean if anybody else, and if so who, has
been left what.
Prue:
Darling! You were on
the
verge of being masterful for a moment there!
David:
I was, wasn't I?
Super!
Jimmy:
Do shut up.
David:
That's what I was
telling
people to do! What's the point of telling me to shut up, when I'm
telling
other people to shut up?!
Geraldine:
May I possibly
continue?
"...To Doc Morrissey who, as he gets older, will no doubt need to buy
lots
of medical books to find out what's wrong with him..."
Doc:
I say! Always had a
sense
of humour. Dear, generous, old Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...To my dear
secretary
Joan who had so much to put up with from me, and did so much for
me..."
Joan:
Oh, I wouldn't say
that.
Elizabeth:
I would!
Geraldine:
"...To C.J. I hated
him
once, but time
is a great
healer..."
C.J.:
Absolutely! Well
said, Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...And last, but
least,
to David Harris-Jones and his wife Prue. I have only one word to
describe
my relationship with David and Prue - super.
David &
Prue:
Super!
Geraldine:
"...To them all, I
leave
all my worldly goods to be divided EQUALLY..."
C.J.:
Good Lord!
Jimmy:
Scandalous!
Employees getting
a much as relatives! Oh. I wasn't thinking of myself. Thinking of big
sis.
Elizabeth:
Thank you Jimmy. As
usual,
well meant. As usual, do shut up. Dignity, Jimmy. Dignity. I think
that's
eminently fair, Ms. Hackstraw.
David:
I think... and of
course
we won't say no... it is very... very... but Prue and I getting two
bites
of the, er...
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Geraldine:
"...(counting David
and
Prue as one unit, as the self-satisfied twits are always proclaiming
that
"togetherness is their middle name.")..."
Elizabeth:
So that's it, then.
Thank
you, Ms. Hackstraw. So he's divided his money among us all. Shame on
those
of you who thought he might have some trick up his sleeve.
Geraldine:
"...The monies
dependent
on one condition being fulfilled..."
All:
Ah!!!!
C.J.:
Conditional,
eh?
Joan:
Good old Reggie: It
would
have been almost disappointing if there hadn't been a sting in the
tail!
Jimmy:
Silence in the
ranks! All
agog. Well, me agog, anyway. Sting in the tail, without interruptions,
please tell, Ms. Hackstraw.
Geraldine:
"...- one, very
small, condition:
each and
every one of you
must completely
satisfy Ms. Hackstraw once every month until probate is completed." I'm
sorry! I'm so sorry, I've missed out a page! "...One, very small,
condition:
each and every one of you must completely satisfy Ms. Hackstraw that
you
have done something that is totally and utterly absurd..."
Tom:
That's absurd!
Geraldine:
"...Precisely, Tom"
It says
that here - he knew you well."I know that this condition will cause you
all consternation..."
C.J.:
Absolutely. I didn't
get
where I am today by being absurd!
Tom:
I'm just not an
absurdity
person!
Linda: Oh,
I don't
know...
Elizabeth:
Please! Reggie had
many
friends who could have been here today. Has it struck you why we have
been
chosen?
Joan:
Yes! I know!
Elizabeth:
Oh! You do, do
you?!!! You
think you have a personal insight into Reggie's mind? Well do please
tell!
Jimmy:
Absolutely. I'm all
agog
again. Just as agog as I was before. Possibly even agogger.
Joan:
Well, I think
it's
because we - apart from Tony, who's gone to live in New Zealand...
David:
Great! Sorry, I
couldn't
resist that! Sorry.
Joan:
...We are the people
that
were closest to Reggie, and supported him - in his own words "through
thick
and even thicker" - through all those projects that were closest to his
heart: his rebellion at Sunshine Desserts, his Grot shops, his
community
for the middle classes. He wants us, by being absurd, to make our
individual
memorials to all those absurd things we helped him to do. He wants us
to (her
voice cracks with
emotion)
prove
ourselves worthy of
him...
Elizabeth:
(Crying)
Thank you,
Joan. That was beautifully put. Thank you.
Jimmy:
This man walked into
a bar.
"Ouch!" he cried. It was an iron bar. Joke. Old I know. All I could
think
of. Emotional tension, for the relief of.
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Tom:
You mustn't be
frightened
of emotional moments, Jimmy, they can be beautiful.
Linda:
Ha! Now he learns
it!
Tom:
Well yes, I admit
it. I've
learned from
my mistakes.
Linda:
Oh I see. I was one
of your
'mistakes' was I? Terrific!
Geraldine:
Er, please? I
haven't finished.
"I know that
this condition will
cause
you all consternation, but you will agree that it is entirely
appropriate,
since the money you
will be receiving
will have
come very largely from the profits and eventual sale of my Grot empire
of rubbish stores, which have been largely invested since the late
Seventies
in the Channel Isles, the Isle of Man, Bermuda, Switzerland,
Liechtenstein,
in fact almost everywhere except Lloyd's of
London (who's a
shrewdie
then?!)..."
Elizabeth:
I didn't know he'd
done
all that!
Geraldine:
"...I'm sorry,
Elizabeth,
that I never told you - I didn't want us to live on it. Life wouldn't
have
been a challenge anymore, and Grot was never intended to make money
anyway.
The decision as to whether you have been sufficiently absurd rests
entirely
with the beautiful Ms. Hackstraw, who's cold exterior no doubt hides a
seething, passionate nature. She has to read this out, although it
embarrasses
her, while also secretly pleasing her because she's quite vain.
Otherwise
all the money will go to the Battersea Dogs Home. By gamely
reading
it out I hope she has shown you that she is not to be feared as your
ultimate
judge. You must contact her with progress reports and any evidence of
absurdness
achieved once every three
months until probate
is
completed."
Prue:
I just wondered...
Do you
have any idea how much money we're talking about?
Geraldine:
It would be
unprofessional
of me to suggest an actual figure but, at a very conservative estimate
I'd say it would unlikely be far short of... a million pounds.
All:
A milion
pounds?
Geraldine:
Each.
C.J.:
Aaaargh!!!! (C.J.
faints).
Prue:
Oh my God!
Joan:
Doc, what do we
do?!!!
Doc:
Oh lorks! I haven't
a clue!
I remember!
Phone for a
doctor!
C.J.:
(Doc loosens
C.J.'s tie)
Go away, Doc. I want to live.
Doc:
But you've just had
a heart
attack!
C.J.:
I haven't had a
heart attack,
you stupid moron, I fainted. Large sums of money always have that
effect
upon me.
Jimmy:
Big sis is right -
we've
got to go for it!. We've all got to learn to be absurd for Reggie!
Elizabeth:
We must go out
there, and
give it everything we've got. (Her voice breaks with emotion) We
can't let him down!
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