The New Tenant / Rooksby

Scene:
Philip's room. Ruth has just told Rigsby that he's the son of a chief. Rigsby has started to change his mind about having a black man as a tenant. 

RIGSBY
Son of a chief, eh? 

PHILIP
It's not important. 

PHILIP
Yes. 

RIGSBY
Yes. It was the same in wartime. My old Captain, he came from a good family. Not like these twopenny - halfpenny 'gentlemen' you get nowadays. Always carried a walking stick, smoked a pipe. You know, I never saw him ruffled. Whenever 'Gerry' opened up he'd just lean on his stick and say "Where d'you think that's coming from, Sergeant?" Everyone would dive for cover, but not the Captain. 

RIGSBY
He got blown up by a shell. I suppose being the son of a chief, you can have your pick? 

PHILIP
Of what? 

RIGSBY
You know.. women. 

PHILIP
Oh yes. 

RIGSBY
Is it true that your women are much more... you know... 

RIGSBY
Yes, I'd heard that. 

PHILIP
It's a medical fact. They get much more excited. 

RIGSBY
Yes... ours are always getting headaches. Do yours get headaches? 

PHILIP
No, I don't think so. 

PHILIP
What do you mean? 

RIGSBY
Well, you know, you make them walk for miles in the hot sun with pots on their heads... to keep them in their place? 

PHILIP
Oh yes. 

Black Magic

Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Rigsby walks in and sees the boys reading their textbooks. 

ALAN
We've got exams. 

RIGSBY
We use our brains too much, you know. 
 

RIGSBY
Nothing wrong with my brain, mate. I passed the scholarship. 

ALAN
I didn't know that. 

ALAN
What's wrong with gumboots? 

Scene:
The Grange, a posh local restaurant, where the four are celebrating Miss Jones' birthday. Philip and Ruth are on the dance floor, Rigsby is at the table, and Alan is returning from the gents' toilet. 

RIGSBY
Where've you been? 

ALAN
Don't go to the bogs. There's a bloke in there, brushing you down, asking you if you've had a nice holiday. Costs you 10p to get out! 

RIGSBY
Should've shown him your Barclaycard. 

RIGSBY
Some people would say anything for 10p. Mind you, what do you expect in here? You won't get it for a penny here, you know. Yes, this place reminds me of a visit to my Aunt Hilda's - a big hello and a small sherry. The only difference is, her cobwebs were genuine. 

ALAN
It's better than The Blue Ram though. At least they don't spit on your shoes. This is the life, eh? A nice, inoffensive little wine, a good nose, a little immature but could improve. 

RIGSBY
'Inoffenisve little wine'! It tastes like metal polish. 

ALAN
You're just not used to the good life. 

ALAN
Yes. 

RIGSBY
Well, let me tell you something - you're the only bloke I know who sandwiches his peas. And you can stop cocking your little finger like that, it doesn't impress anyone. The way you attacked that food tonight - I didn't know where to look. Those choppers of yours are the nearest thing to perpetual motion I've ever seen. You're supposed to put the food on the back of your fork, didn't you know? And when your pie crust flew across the table... 

ALAN
ALL RIGHT !!!!!!!! All right. Eh, where's Ruth and Philip?

ALAN
Well you couldn't do it, it was all in French! 

RIGSBY
I was managing, till he stuck his oar in. 

ALAN
We didn't come here to have plaice and chips four times, Rigsby. 

RIGSBY
I just don't know why he can't take the hint. I've been giving him the nod all evening. How am I going to get her on her own if he carries on like this? Look at him now. Look at him! My God, he'll be arching his back passing under the tables in a minute. I feel very sorry for Miss Jones, she can't be enjoying it.

RIGSBY
No, no. She's just being polite. She'd much prefer a slow waltz. Now that's where I'm going to score. He couldn't do a slow waltz to save his life, his feet are all wrong. If he tried a reverse turn, he'd be arse over elbow. You wait until they do a slow waltz. If this lot (he indicates the band) can do one without electrocuting themselves. (He cups his mouth and shouts, in the style of a football fan) WHAT ABOUT A WALTZ, THEN?!!!!!! 

Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Rigsby is on the warpath after Alan had given him some tablets to calm him down while he attempted to woo Miss Jones with a Matt Munro LP. The tablets were in fact withdrawn from the market because of their side effects. Alan tries to leave the room as Rigsby storms in. 

RIGSBY
Where d'you think you're going?

RIGSBY
What's the matter? You say that after nearly poisoning me?! 

ALAN
You're exaggerating! 

RIGSBY
I was drugged to the eyeballs! I slept for twenty-four hours. I still can't feel my teeth! And you know something else? Do you know what I found when I went to the bathroom? My water's turned green! 

ALAN
Green? 

ALAN
Look, I was only trying to be helpful. 

RIGSBY
Help?! What do you know about the opposite sex? If a woman so much as looked at you, you'd have a nosebleed. The only thing you've ever taken to bed with you is your Mickey Mouse hot water bottle. 

ALAN
As a matter of fact, Rigsby, I'm seeing a woman tonight! 

ALAN
Well I am seeing a woman tonight. You believe me, don't you Philip? (Philip doesn't back him up) Well I am anyway. (Alan walks out).

PHILIP
Never mind, Rigsby. There'll be another time. 

RIGSBY
I don't know. I'm not so sure. It's different for your lot, out in Africa. You lead a more natural life. You're closer to nature... I haven't been 'close to nature' since last Christmas... I wasn't all that close then. I just don't seem to get any chances these days. 

RIGSBY
I don't know. There was this woman down the pub. They all said 'ooh, what ever you do, don't give her a lift home, she'll interfere with you'. She was supposed to interfere with you while you were driving... So I gave her a lift home. 

PHILIP
What happened? 

RIGSBY
Nothing! It was a washout. She just talked about her feet. 

PHILIP
Have you thought about growing sideburns, Rigsby? 

RIGSBY
Yes - I don't think I've got the strength. 

Scene:
Spooner's room and corridor outside.
Spooner the wrestler has his leg in plaster,
is in a bad mood, is getting drunk, is playing the radio loudly and singing raucously. Rigsby enters. 

RIGSBY
Spooner? You know you can hear your voice all along the hall? 

SPOONER
WHAT ABOUT IT?!!!!!!! 

RIGSBY
Fantastic, the way it carries! 

SPOONER
I thought you'd come in here to complain about it. 

RIGSBY
Complain? No. Whatever gave you that idea? 

RIGSBY
No, no. Spot on! You've got a lovely voice. 

SPOONER
I'm glad about that, because I'm in a nasty mood. And when I'm in a nasty mood, I'm inclined to do nasty things, like TYING PEOPLE UP IN KNOTS !!!!! You could see parts of your body you never knew existed! 

RIGSBY
Don't threaten me, Spooner. I've seen as much action as you have, mate. Where were you when the guns were firing? Floating round the Heavens like a bloody mushroom! (He leaves hastily. From outside the door, he shouts). And don't let me tell you again. You keep that radio down, Spooner. You don't frighten me, mate. I don't know the meaning of the word. (He turns to find Alan dressed in Nazi uniform and helmet, retrieved from Rigsby's war chest. Rigsby panics and puts his hands up in mock surrender). My God!!! What did you have to do that for?! Took me back years, that. You frightened the life out of me! 

RIGSBY
That?  It came off a dead German, that. (He sees Alan is holding a revolver). Hey! Where did you get that from? 

ALAN
Out of the chest. 

RIGSBY
I'd almost forgotten about that. That's my old Captain's .45, that. 

ALAN
Is it loaded? 

RIGSBY
Of course it's not loaded! You don't leave guns lying around loaded. Don't you know anything? 

ALAN
(Pointing gun at Rigsby, and adopting German accent) Up wiz ze handz! 

RIGSBY
Don't point that at me! 

ALAN
You said it wasn't loaded. 

RIGSBY
You don't point guns at people, that's the
first rule. 

ALAN
Well, how'd we win the war, then? 

ALAN
I thought you said it wasn't loaded?!!! 

RIGSBY
I must've left one in. I could've sworn I'd
emptied it. 

ALAN
Point is, where's it gone? 

RIGSBY
It'll be embedded in the plaster somewhere, I expect. 

ALAN
Hey, there's a hole in Spooner's door! 

RIGSBY
What are you talking about? Oh my God!!! 

ALAN
And I'll tell you something else as well. 

RIGSBY
What? 

ALAN
He's stopped singing. 

RUTH
Oh Mr. Rigsby, have you told Spooner yet? 

RIGSBY
No, not yet, but he won't listen now. 

RUTH
Well I can't stand it any longer. I'll tell him myself. (She walks towards Spooner's door).

RIGSBY
No, you can't go in there. 

RUTH
Why not? 

ALAN
Rigsby's just shot him. 

RUTH
What? Just because he wouldn't turn his radio down? Wasn't that a bit drastic, Mr. Rigsby? 

Scene:
Alan's room. Alan is seated, being interviewed by the inspector who is standing, notebook in hand. Rigsby is looking on. 

INSPECTOR
Now, sir. You were up here at the time of the incident. 

ALAN
Yes. 

INSPECTOR
Is there anyone who can substantiate this? 

ALAN
Er, well, no. 

INSPECTOR
Ah. And you didn't hear the scream? 

ALAN
No. 

RIGSBY
I'm not surprised with all that foliage. He's like a bloody sheepdog. Look! 

ALAN
That's what he's got against me. He doesn't trust me because I've got long hair. 

RIGSBY
Look, I didn't trust Hitler, but it wasn't because of his moustache! 

INSPECTOR
Please, sir. I'm just trying to ask a few questions. 

RIGSBY
Yes, of course. 
 

INSPECTOR
(He sees a nude calendar hanging up and starts flicking through it, suspiciously). I suppose you get pretty lonely up here, sir. 

ALAN
Yes. Oh, well no, not really. 

INSPECTOR
Are you sure you're getting enough exercise? 

INSPECTOR
I understand you're a student. What are you studying (he holds out the calendar) Not Divinity, I hope? 

ALAN
No. Actually I'm studying medicine. 

INSPECTOR
Very worthy. 

RIGSBY
He'll never make a doctor. He lies on that bed all day protesting about unemployment. Gets his orders straight from the Kremlin. Do you know what they're going to do if they get in power? They're going to hang me from the nearest lamp-post. He's told me that already. And I fought for democracy. My God, 'a land fit for heroes', and what do we get? Streakers. 

ALAN
There's nothing shameful in the human body, Rigsby. 

INSPECTOR
My son happens to be a student, sir. 

RIGSBY
Eh? Oh, well there are bound to be some decent lads. Some very nice, er... do you smoke? (He fetches out a packet of cigarettes to change the subject. The inspector takes one, and Rigsby lights it for him).

INSPECTOR
Now, sir. Have you ever been in trouble with us before?

ALAN
Yes. 

ALAN
I was summonsed for having a faulty rear light. 

INSPECTOR
Well we'd hardly call that 'form', sir. (He looks around the room).

RIGSBY
What are you looking for, eh? Prints? Pieces of fibre? Strands of hair? 

INSPECTOR
No. As a matter of fact, I was looking for an ash tray (He finds one and stubs out his cigarette). I think it might be an idea if we go back down to Miss Jones' room. 

RIGSBY
Aaah! 'Returning to the scene of the crime', eh?! 

INSPECTOR
No, actually I thought it'd be warmer down there. If you'll just folllow me. 

Scene:
Alan's room, election day. Rigsby has been canvassing for the Conservatives, to try to
get 'well in' at their local club. Alan has been demonstrating at the Town Hall. 

ALAN
You know your trouble, Rigsby? You're a 'social climber'. 

RIGSBY
Yeah? Well, I haven't got very far, have I? There's only one bloke who ever speaks to me at that Club, and he washes the glasses. 

ALAN
Is that why you're canvassing for them? 

RIGSBY
Yes. Thought I'd do a bit this morning. I didn't get many arguments. 

ALAN
That surprises me. 

ALAN
He'll never get in, Tory twit. 

RIGSBY
Oh, don't you bank on it. Mind you, I don't know what the Committee will say when they find out I'm sheltering a Marxist. 

ALAN
I'm not a Marxist! 

RIGSBY
Well, who's that on the wall, then eh? (Hepoints to a poster of Che Guevara). Not your granny, is it? Another sworn enemy of Capitalism and shaving. What have you Marxists got against shaving, anyway? 

RIGSBY
Oh yes? I've noticed your eyes are getting quite horizontal these days. Must be all those crispy noodles you've been eating. Anyway, how can you be a Maoist at the local elections? As I see it, it's a straight race between Labour and the Conservatives, with modest intervention from the Liberals. So unless they put someone up from The Lotus House, your vote's going to be wasted, mate. 

ALAN
I shall vote Labour of course. 

RIGSBY
'Of course'? You've never had a pair of overalls on in your life! 

ALAN
Look, the students and the workers must unite! (Philip enters, sporting a Labour rosette).

RIGSBY
Oh dear oh dear! Not another one! I thought
he was a funny looking Maoist but you're ridiculous. 

RIGSBY
Only that, as a Chinaman, you leave a lot to be desired. Don't you know their theory? You see, the Chinese believe that when God made us, He put us all in the oven to bake. He took us out before we were ready, the Chinese were done to a golden turn, and your lot were burnt to a bloody crisp. You see, whichever way you look at it, as a Chinaman, you're a definite failure. 

PHILIP
We're not talking about race, Rigsby, we're talking about a political philosophy. 

RIGSBY
Oh, yes. Well you can't vote, you're not eligible. 

PHILIP
I can lend my support.

PHILIP
I never expected you to understand, Rigsby. You're a reactionary. 

RIGSBY
No I'm not! 

PHILIP
You want to bring back hanging! 

RIGSBY
A lot of people want to bring back hanging, mate. 

PHILIP
Not in public, Rigsby.