Last
Of The Big Spenders
Scene:
Rigsby's room,
filled with
new, albeit hire purchase, furniture. Alan enters.
RIGSBY
You're looking very
cheerful.
What's the matter, have they cancelled the revolution again?
ALAN
Well, I was
wondering if
you could help me.
RIGSBY
Help you? Of course
I can
help you. I've told you, I'm not just your landlord, I'm a friend and
counsellor.
Now what's your problem?
|
ALAN
It's a bit
delicate.
RIGSBY
It's not bedwetting,
is
it?
ALAN
No it isn't!
RIGSBY
'Delicate'? Oh, I
know,
you've been having 'thoughts'. Don't worry about it, it's all part of
growing
up. You're going through a difficult time - the sap's rising,
mysterious
changes taking place in the body, sudden lack of interest in
football...
ALAN
I've never been
interested
in football.
RIGSBY
Yes, it's always
been karate
or kung-fu, or something else from the land of the bandy legs with you,
hasn't it? Even so, you've suddenly become aware of the oppsite sex,
yes?
|
ALAN
Well, yes.
RIGSBY
And you've no doubt
wondered
why they can't throw a cricket ball as well as we do, and you wondered
why?
ALAN
No, this has got
nothing
to do with women, not directly.
RIGSBY
It's not that
prickly heat
again, is it?
ALAN
Look, if you're
going to
be like this... (He turns to leave).
RIGSBY
Alright. What is it,
then?
|
ALAN
I want to borrow
some money.
Shall we say £5?
RIGSBY
You can say what you
like!
ALAN
You mean you're not
going
to lend it me?
RIGSBY
It's not a question
of that.
Let me give you some advice: 'Never a lender nor a borrower be'. You
see,
if I lend you money, our friendship will go straight out the
window.
ALAN
What friendship? If
you
were a friend you'd lend me the money.
RIGSBY
Talking about
friendship,
what about your mate upstairs? He's not exactly short, is he? I'm sure
he could run to a few bags of salt and an elephant's tusk.
|
ALAN
I can't ask Philip,
I borrowed
from him last week.
RIGSBY
You see, you're too
improvident.
You spend too much on baubles, bangles and bloody beads, that's your
trouble.
ALAN
I spend all my money
on
that gas meter, just to keep warm. I sometimes wonder if there's a roof
on this house.
RIGSBY
You make do with
that gas
fire, mate. During wartime, we had to make do with a pile of nutty
slack.
You had to share a fire with a friend.
ALAN
Did you find
one?
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