Scene:
Rigsby returns to his room from a Spanish holiday. He is wearing a sombrero hat and is carrying a battered suitcase. Alan is surprised to see him back so early, not expecting him until next week. 

ALAN
Rigsby, you're back! 

RIGSBY
Of course I'm back. Who'd you think it was, The Lone Ranger? 

ALAN
No, but I wasn't expecting you till next week. 

RIGSBY
Oh yes? I thought I could smell cannabis. Is everything alright, then? Nothing happened while I've been away ? 

ALAN
No, no. The surveyor's been down, put a few more crosses on the house. 

ALAN
No, relax Rigsby. Everything's fine. What's it like then, to be back form the joys of the Costa Brava? 

RIGSBY
Bloody awful. I think I'm suffering from jetlag. 

ALAN
It must've done you some good. Travel broadens the mind - going to strange places, meeting strange people, eating strange foods... 

RIGSBY
Coming out in strange boils. Anyway (He looks Alan up and down) what makes you think I've got to travel to meet strange people? Hey, did you feed the cat while I was away? 

ALAN
Yeah, why? 

RIGSBY
Only I've just seen him coming out of the dustbin. 

RIGSBY
Greasy. 

ALAN
And the people? 

RIGSBY
About the same. 

ALAN
You don't sound very excited. 

RIGSBY
Well, I'm not. Frontiers don't mean much to you. Not when you've driven across them like I have, in a Churchill tank with all guns blazing. (He moves to unpack his suitcase). 

ALAN
You've got a lot of labels. 

RIGSBY
Yes, I think that'll raise a few eyebrows when I take the washing down the laundrette. 

ALAN
This one says Dubrovnik. That's in Yugoslavia! 

RIGSBY
Is it? I wouldn't know. I got them off a case at London Airport. 

ALAN
What did you do that for? 

ALAN
You don't change, do you? Last year, you put GB plates on to go to the Isle of Man! 

RIGSBY
They all do it round here! What about the 
milkman? Tells me he's taking the night flight to Benidorm. There he is the next day, creosoting his mother's fence. 

ALAN
(Eyeing Rigsby suspiciously). Are you sure you went to Spain? You don't look very brown. 

RIGSBY
Neither would you if you'd spent the last three days in a police station shouting for the British Consul. 

ALAN
You mean you ended up in the cells?!!!! 

RIGSBY
You can laugh. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes out there - it's not a democracy, you know. You try speaking your mind, you get a well polished jackboot in the ribs. 

ALAN
Why did they arrest you? 

ALAN
Travel nowadays is to broaden your mind, to meet new people. 

RIGSBY
I know. I met some very nice lads from Oldham. Mind you, they were turfed out, something to do with a missing bidet. It was that sort of hotel. Everyting came away in your hands. Still, I got my own back (He holds aloft a hotel bath towel). 

ALAN
Did you... get me anything, Rigsby? 

RIGSBY
Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. As a thank you for looking after the place, I bought you some brandy and cigars. 

ALAN
(Coyly) Oh, but I didn't want anything! 

RIGSBY
Good, because they took them off me  coming through Customs. The lads from Oldham got the bidet through, though. Just your bad luck, I'm afraid. 

Scene:
Alan's room. Rigsby enters, and talks to Alan about Hilary, a rather camp, out-of-work actor. 

RIGSBY
If he says one more word, just one more, I shall have him. 

ALAN
Who's that, Rigsby? 

RIGSBY
Hilary. Who'd you think? 

ALAN
I don't know what you've got against him. I find him very stimulating. 

RIGSBY
Oh, you would. You've liked him ever since he admired your earrings. 

ALAN
No, it's not that. I just think we've got a lot in common. 

RIGSBY
Yes, the same crippling fear of manual labour. What I want to know is when's he going to get a job? 

RIGSBY
Yes, I can see that, I'm not blind. Why can't he wait until nightfall like the rest of us, instead of lounging round the house all day? 

ALAN
No, 'resting' is a showbusiness term for being out of work. 

RIGSBY
Showbusiness?!!! You don't believe all that rubbish, do you? He's not in showbusiness! What's he ever done? Go on, you tell me. 

ALAN
He's done a lot of things. 

RIGSBY
Such as? 

ALAN
You'd be surprised. 

RIGSBY
Go on then, surprise me. 

ALAN
He was very nearly in 'Oh, Calcutta!'. 

ALAN
No, he sprained his ankle. 

RIGSBY
Hmm, from what I've heard, that's not the only thing he's sprained. Anyway, I've never seen him in anything. 

ALAN
He was in 'I, Claudius'. 

RIGSBY
Was he? I watched that, I don't remember seeing him. 

ALAN
It was only a very small part. He was in the orgy scene. He ran round the room squeezing grapes over everybody. 

RIGSBY
My God, no wonder he's resting. The effort must have been too much for him. Anyway, I still don't remember seeing him in it. 

ALAN
Well, you wouldn't have done. He was wearing a stag's head. 

RIGSBY
There you are! He's all talk, and you're so gullible. 

RIGSBY
(Puzzled). A what? 

ALAN
A moussaka. You don't know what it is, do you? 

RIGSBY
Of course I know what it is... you all join hands and dance round in a circle. 

ALAN
It's a Greek dish, Rigsby. 

RIGSBY
Oh, I might have known. He's got some fancy ways, that one. He's far too fond of that striped apron for my liking. Why doesn't he get out and look for a job? 

ALAN
Well he's not wasting his time. He's written a play. 

RIGSBY
Written a play? It's all he can do to leave a note for the milkman. 

ALAN
Well he's written one, and it's very good. (He opens the script at the first page).

ALAN
(Reading the synopsis). Well, it's "...a psychological drama, full of symbolism and imagery, played out against the backdrop of a dingy boarding house and dealing with contemporary themes." 

RIGSBY
Oh my God. Sounds like another 'Play For Today'. 

ALAN
No, it's very good. It deals with exploitation, the decline of modern life, the underlying violence in modern society. 

RIGSBY
Violence?!!! What does he know about violence? He's only got to break a nail, he takes to his bed for the rest of the day. 

ALAN
It's no good talking to you, Rigsby. You just don't like him, I don't know why. 

RIGSBY
Well, for one reason he calls me 'ducky'. If he calls me 'ducky' once more, I'll have him. (Hilary enters).

HILARY
Oh, hello ducky! 

Scene:
Corridor, into Rigsby' room. Night. Rigsby has parked his sports car in the street, and is dressed in dinner jacket, ready to take Miss Jones to The Country Club. He is singing 'Moonlight and Roses'. 

PHILIP
Rigsby, you could have killed me!

RIGSBY
What?! 

PHILIP
You nearly ran me down out there. You missed me by inches! 

RIGSBY
Ooh, as close as that, was it?! It's alright, it was nothing personal. I was trying to avoid the cat. 

PHILIP
The cat?! What about me? That's typical of you Rigsby. You'd swerve to avoid the cat, and run down a dozen pedestrians! 

PHILIP
What do you need a car for anyway? They cause pollution, use up the world's resources and in the wrong hands can be as lethal as a loaded revolver! 

RIGSBY
You don't understand, do you? A car is essential in this country. You can't travel by jungle creeper round here, you know. 

PHILIP
You could use a bicycle. 

RIGSBY
A bicycle?! I'm taking Miss Jones to the Country Club. What do you suggest we do, go by tandem? I can just see me handing in my clips in to the commissionaire. No, I know what's up with you, mate. You are jealous because I'm taking Miss Jones out for the evening, and as soon as I've finished filling my cigarette case I'll be away, and I won't be back until dawn. (He slams the cigarette case shut in Philip's face. Ruth enters).

RIGSBY
Alright, Miss Jones? You look ravishing! 

RUTH
Well I was wondering about this. (She indicates the stole). Don't you think it looks a bit odd? 

RIGSBY
Why should it look odd, Miss Jones? 

RUTH
Well, it's Aunt Ada's. It's a bit old-fashioned now. I think it's the head. I keep thinking something's leapt on me from behind. 

RIGSBY
I shouldn't give it a moment's thought, Miss Jones. It suits you. 

PHILIP
What do I think of it? I think it's just another example of the way so-called civilised countries are decimating the animal kingdom, just to satisfy the whims of fashion, to grace the idle, pampered shoulders of Western women. 

RUTH
You don't like it? 

PHILIP
I think it's disgusting! 

RUTH
Well I didn't kill it, and I'm sure Aunt Ada didn't! 

PHILIP
You can't transfer your guilt as easily as that, Ruth. You're wearing it! 

RIGSBY
Ah, just a minute. How do you know he didn't die of old age? He looks contented enough to me. (He lifts the fox's head). Are you feeling alright? 'Course I am!' There you are! 

PHILIP
It's obscene, Rigsby. At least we only kill for food and warmth. Not for the Country Club. 

RIGSBY
Nonsense, it is perfectly acceptable, Miss Jones. As long as Peter Scott* doesn't turn up. 

RUTH
Do you really think it suits me? 

RIGSBY
Miss Jones, I promise you that when we walk through that door, every head will turn. And do you know what they will be thinking? 'Beauty and The Beast'! 

RUTH
Oh I don't know, Mr. Rigsby, you look very nice too! 

RIGSBY
I was referring to the fox actually. Well, shall we go, Miss Jones? Those seatbelts are a bit tricky, and I want to get you strapped down... er, strapped in as safely  as possible.

Scene:
Alan's room. Alan is studying. Rigsby enters, concerned about a potetially - suicidal new tenant downstairs.

ALAN
What's the matter, Rigsby? 

RIGSBY
It's that new bloke. I've just been talking to him. He's thinking of emigrating. At least, I think he's emigrating. 

RIGSBY
They wouldn't have you! 

ALAN
Of course they would, with my special skills. 

RIGSBY
Your 'special skills'? Since when has the ability to lie on your back and blow smoke rings been a 'special skill'? 

ALAN
Look, when I'm qualified, I could emigrate to anywhere in the world. 

ALAN
Well I won't. I think, in a time of crisis, I shall put my talents at the disposal of the nation. I shall stay. 

RIGSBY
Ooh, no. No thank you. There are enough Bolsheviks in the Health Service as it is. It's the private patients I feel sorry for. They're already getting cold rice pudding and having to wait for their bottles. 

ALAN
No, they're not. They get the same treatment as everyone else. 

ALAN
Where is he going? 

RIGSBY
Well, he didn't say. He didn't seem to know. He seemed a bit depressed - it was all rather strange really. 

ALAN
That's not strange. Everyone gets depressed when they see that room. 

ALAN
Yes, I agree that's strange. What did he say? 

RIGSBY
He said 'I'm going out, once and for all'. Then he said he was going to write some 
farewell notes. 

ALAN
Hey Rigsby, you don't think he's going to do something desperate, do you? 

RIGSBY
Why do you always have to look on the grisly side? Anyway, I've just shampooed the carpet in there! 

Scene:
Marilyn's room. She is an exotic dancer, with a partner who is a huge python. Rigsby's tenants have complained and he has come to tell her to get rid of it. 

RIGSBY
Marilyn? Now look, love. I hope Charlie's not going to take this personally, but I'm afraid he's just got to go. It's not me, it's the tenants. They don't fancy Charlie knotting himself round their windpipes, not even with the friendliest of intentions. 

RIGSBY
Yes I know he's just a big soft thing. Trouble is, he's going to get bigger, isn't he? If he carries on growing, we won't be able to get up the stairs without a machete. I'm sorry love, you'll just have to face it. He'll be happier in a zoo. 

MARILYN
But what about my act? 

RIGSBY
Well, you'll just have to use something else. What about a couple of ostrich feathers? Or fantail doves - now they're supposed to be very effective. 

RIGSBY
I know it wouldn't be the same, but you said yourself he feels the cold, and the winters here can be something cruel. If we have another one like last year, he's not going to let anyone near those radiators, is he? I'm sorry, he'll have to go, love. (Marilyn bursts into tears). Now don't cry, Marilyn. 
You'll upset Charlie. 

MARILYN
(Sobbing) It's too late... he's gone !!! 

RIGSBY
He's WHAT ?!!!!! (He inspects the empty basket).

RIGSBY
The garden ?!!! The garden, you stupid 
cow ?!!!! What do you want to take him into the garden for? It's not as if you can throw 
sticks for him, is it? 

RIGSBY
Well he's getting plenty of that, isn't he? You'd better get out and look for him, hadn't you? 

MARILYN
I have done, but he's probably miles away 
by now. 

RIGSBY
Well you'd better make sure. Eh, I don't want to worry you, but that bloke next door's been clipping his hedge. One false snip and Charlie won't know whether he's coming or going! (Marilyn screams and rushes out).

Scene:
Alan's room. He is hosting an engagement party, and is calling himself Guy. Present are his fiancee Caroline, her mother Lady Armitage, Philip and Ruth. Rigsby has not been invited, but has plans to gatecrash. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
I felt I must call round, now that these two are getting engaged. Caroline is very precious to us. 

CAROLINE
(Embarrassed). Oh Mummy, honestly! 

MRS. ARMITAGE
So you can see my concern. I thought I should meet some of Guy's friends. I had no idea he was sharing a room with, erm... (She indicates Philip).

MRS. ARMITAGE
Yeeeees. Philip. I had no idea you came from 'the dark continent'. 

PHILIP
You mean he never mentioned it? 

ALAN
I don't remember it cropping up. 

CAROLINE
Philip's the son of a chief. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
(Uninterested). Fascinating! 

ALAN
We want him to be 'Best Man'. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
Yeeees. Well we were rather hoping for a white wedding. (Rigsby is singing in the hall. He enters, with bottles of beer and a party hat on).

ALAN
Rigsby!!! 

RIGSBY
What is it? Hey, you've left a ring round the bath again! I'm not cleaning it. He plays all day with his rubber duck and expects me to clean up after him. Here you are love, get your suckers round that (He hands Lady Armitage a glass of brown ale).

MRS. ARMITAGE
Guy? Who is this person? 

RIGSBY
Guy? Who are you talknig to? 

ALAN
She's talking to me, Rigsby! It's my middle name. I expect you always wondered what the G stood for? 

ALAN
Who told you that? 

RIGSBY
You did. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
Guy, has this person been invited? 

ALAN
No! 

MRS. ARMITAGE
Then ask him to leave! 

CAROLINE
Good for you, Mummy. 

RIGSBY
Hey, just a minute, 'Mummy', this happens to be my house. I'll decide who leaves and it might just be you. You look like a troublemaker to me. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
How dare you! 

MRS. ARMITAGE
I should hardly think so! 

RIGSBY
Yes! Mabel Bagworthy, that was. Used to live next to the skin yard. I remember you on your dad's rag and bone cart. Always had a runny nose - 'old silver sleeves'. Always showing us your knickers behind the caretaker's hut. 'Old Red Hat And No  Drawers' we used to call you. Yes, I could never forget you, love. Strong smell of candy floss mingling with a faint aroma of dead rabbit. 

MRS. ARMITAGE
Really!!! I must protest (She and her daughter get up to leave).

RIGSBY
Oh, we're just going to have a game of strip poker. Aren't you going to stay? (He pinches their bottoms on their way out).

Scene:
Alan's room. Rigsby enters to warn Alan against asking  hypochondriac tenant Osborne how he is. 

RIGSBY
Watch yourself, he's coming up. 

ALAN
Who is? 

RIGSBY
Osborne. I've just dodged him on the  stairs. Whatever you do, don't ask him how he is. He's got a list of symptoms as long  as your arm. 

ALAN
You could show a bit of sympathy, Rigsby. He's not been well. 

RIGSBY
He's as fit as you are. 

ALAN
I'm not well. 

RIGSBY
Don't you start. 

ALAN
No, I keep having these giddy spells. 

ALAN
I suppose you think he's a hypochondriac? 

RIGSBY
Of course he is! My God, no wonder the Health Service is grinding to a halt. It'd be different if he was paying for it. 

ALAN
He's perfectly entitled to it. He's paid in. 

RIGSBY
It was different in my day. You couldn't afford to be ill - if they couldn't see the colour of your money, you got the Order of the Blunt Needle. 

ALAN
Look, they couldn't make you pay. 

RIGSBY
Oh yes they could. If you couldn't pay the  bills, you'd go out of that hospital on a set of stumps. 

ALAN
You'd be a terrible patient, Rigsby, you're  so afraid. If anyone wanted to give you treatment, they'd have to bring you down with a drugged dart like they do in the safari parks. 

ALAN
Was that when you bit through his thumb? 

RIGSBY
It was a very painful operation, mate. He had his knee in my chest for over an hour. And he cracked my jawbone, I heard it go. 

ALAN
What did he say? 

RIGSBY
He said it was a car backfiring (Osborne enters, looking worried).

ALAN
Hello Osborne, how are you feeling? (Rigsby gives him a dirty look).

OSBORNE
Not too good, Alan.I've just heard - I've got
to go in. They say it's only a minor operation, but I think they want to get a good look at me. 

RIGSBY
I'd have thought they'd seen enough of 
you by now. 

OSBORNE
That's what I keep telling myself. 

RIGSBY
Hoo, sooner you than me, mate. 

OSBORNE
What do you mean?! 

RIGSBY
Very bad reputation, that hospital. They don't walk out of there very often. Too many rusty scalpels lying around. You haven't booked your holiday yet, have you?! 

ALAN
Shut up Rigsby, it's a very good hospital. 

RIGSBY
It used to be. It's never been the same since they lost the key to the poison cupboard. 

ALAN
Look, Ozzy, don't worry. You'll get the best of attention. 

OSBORNE
Yes, I've heard nothing's too much trouble for them. 

RIGSBY
Yes. If you speak Hindustani, that is.

OSBORNE
But I don't speak Hindustani! 

RIGSBY
Oh, you are in trouble. You only need a smattering. Just enough to say 'Doctor, I've just drunk from the specimen bottle' or 'Excuse me, gentlemen, I think you're sawing through the wrong leg there'. 

RIGSBY
What is it then? 

OSBORNE
Well, it's a bit delicate, really. It's a  'gentleman's operation'. 

ALAN
He's having a vasectomy! 

RIGSBY
Now listen Osborne. I don't want to be indelicate, but you're a young man, single. One day you might meet a nice young lady, and you'll want to settle down and have children. You won't be able to do that if you've had your firing pin removed. 

ALAN
That's no problem, Rigsby. Nowadays, you can store your seed. Have them frozen. 

RIGSBY
Oh yes? And what happens if someone leaves the fridge door open? You lose your son and heir along with the kippers. 

OSBORNE
It's not a vasectomy! 

RIGSBY
Well, what is it then? (Osborne pulls the men close and whispers in their ears). You've left that a bit late, haven't you? Are you thinking of changing your religion? 

OSBORNE
I think that's just an excuse to get me in. I think there's more to it than that. 

RIGSBY
You think that's just the tip of it?